Yes, I understand the experience of asking “what now” and the “what next”?
I think this was deeply ingrained in your memory when Ruchel passed over. I now follow in closely in those footsteps.
For you, you had just acquired the land in Cucanama. Your story is you went to sit on this empty, clean slated land and decided your next step was to build the house. You worked hard for a year creating this home. It was a labour of love, an act of healing.
When I came around, you invited me into this home and your heart. We both were a little older and experienced in long term relationship. We both were shy in starting again. But, what I saw in you, you saw in me. We both had come to a time and space where we understood what is important and what needed to be done. Yes, we both carried wounds and brought them to the center of our relationship but isn’t that what relation-ships are all about?
What I adored about us is what you knew and what you did. What you adored is what I knew and what I did. That is what made us special. We were a perfect match in the “do-ing”.
Now I ask “what next?” Well, I write and I am writing a lot. It is pouring out of me like tears washing into the shore of life. I write about you, me, Kaya. I write about your story, our story and what a crazy experience this has all been. I write for me and I write for others. I am being as honest and vulnerable as I can. I am opening myself up to criticism and judgement. But, I have taken on one of your most strongest traits; you weren’t too concerned what others thought (other than your buddies). It wasn’t that you didn’t care…you did….you just had a confidence doing what was right, good and intended.
I write about the Purple Carrot Club and where I feel this is all going. Keisha and Casey will be here soon. We are planning and forming the “team” here in Ecuador to take this project and really make a difference in this world. You were so excited about them coming and seeing them again. You were excited about being the mechanical engine of our team.
I will continue my work and the work on the land and in the gardens. Most don’t understand or appreciate what I do. You did! You saw it! And, you loved our space. You saw my dirty hands and face. You were always telling me with a smile on your face I had a lump of dirt in my hair. And, you tried to walk barefoot every once and a while ouching and oooing along the way.
I know you wanted to help me and be more involved in the nature of things around us. You had just finished the construction of the house and you were looking forward to being more creative in the gardens with me. But, you became very tired. I am sorry!
I am wondering if the next step is to being open to taking on individuals for healing retreats. With the tools under my belt, I can do it. It would be simple..one at a time. It can be person and fruitful. We have the space layed out…the foundation built. I am very grateful to you for that. The land can be used to help others.
It is going to be sad doing these things without you. I ask you to remind me and give me little signs every once and while that you are near. I am sorry if I don’t or can’t see the signs you are sending. The night you left, those humongous flying beetles were around and I wondered if it was you. I have been hit by a few since then. I liked the hummingbird encounter but if you have more success in the bugs, so be it. I will do my best to feel you.
Tomorrow I will start the journey home from the seaside. That time has come. I also have a sense that my grieving might be holding you here. I read that many years ago. I also remember you saying you were sure if the “light” (tunnel or whatever it is) is the place to go. I don’t know, my dear. I do know that I desire you to be free. You know I will survive.