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What Ifs And What IS

I want to give you a glimpse…and this is pretty scary.   Scary?  Ya!   I am telling you about me and putting it out there.   Maybe, maybe, maybe, it makes a small difference.   So much crap out there.  We can hide and mutate in our own little bubbles or burst out and echo a different story.  So, here is a glimpse of life for me! 

Actually, it isn’t scary anymore!  I care a lot, but, not enough to care about what you think and feel anymore.  I am not out to hurt you or harm you..just here to share my own path.    If you have malice or hatred, please stop reading now.   

I understand now, since Jim has gone, why I do and did certain things and how I affect and effect certain situations.    Tonight I am here, eating my meal with three cats squatting and a dog licking his lips.  They circle me precariously and gently.  I realize this never would be with Jimi.   Things change and things come back to same.

By the way, the animals don’t get my food until I am done…side note!

In the midst of my day…

Let’s start at the end…as I already have.   The dinner made for two or more that will make nourishment for other times and places.   That is how the kitchen works and how I work.    Jim always said “you cook and create from garden to kitchen because you like too”.   I always felt a little put off.  I created for him.    And, here I am still creating.   He knew me well and, in some ways, better than I know me.    

Tomorrow I will add and surrender to new potions from the food made before.  That is alchemy and easy and tasty.    As I make the food, I notice the little things.  Everything becomes something and changes to become more.  When dinner is infusing, I notice some dirt.   With a  cloth, I wipe  and with a broom I swipe.   I go pee and notice the crusts on the shower floor  I scrubby with some solvent that erases its’ phlegm.  I notice the dust.   I wipe more.  Then it is time for a sip of wine.   Back to the back to back of living. Check the oven.  I really do not stop from morning to night.  It’s my muse and mediation.  If you were a fly in my mind, you buzz crazy and wonder where the out door was.

Today started with strong coffee and a breakfast early.    Well, earlier than my norm.   It feels good to eat when I am hungry and a wee challenging for me to take care of just me only.  Sometimes I don’t eat all day.  Not that I forget, I just don’t think about it.  The gardens need to be weeded and dazzled with some compost.    As I said, I cook and create for more than one…no matter.   I resolve and re-use.   Oh, the weeds.   The animals need me.  The windows need a shine.  Bed made.  Laundry laid.   I am a maid.  A man needs a maid!   Love that song but it challenges me to no end.

There are little things around that beckon a constant reminder. The broken door, the electrical mishaps, the unfinished parts and pieces.  They actually drive me to do something but sometimes what to do is not known.   The land is calling, the plants are hauling, the compost temperatures taken.    This needs to be turned and that needs to be burned.    Ecuador is in dry season yet the rains continue and the water trickles.   Green, black and blue molds continue.   So, out comes the power washer to force it clean and remove the weedies from the cracks.  I am talking about the outside patio.    Oh, water blasting can take down the webs and lift up the hairs and debris settling intact.    Then a sweep and a wipe down of edges.  The gardens call me to act.   Abono and Bono…but the U2 guy, but I have to laugh because he is one of “them”.  Can we become famous without becoming one of them?    Nope, we can not!  I liked his music and his lyrics were deep, but he only gave a portion of the truth.  That is their game.   Lately the song “where the streets have no name” has musicosis in my head.  Can’t get it out!   It shrills me!   I am in a place where the streets have no name and thank goodness I realize what that means.  I don’t think Bono does!   I knew, 20 years ago, watching him on stage that the fever he created was only a part of the truth.    I am old enough to remember the lighters at concerts. Bono elucidated the smart phones.  It was eerie.  I am totally off track…

Continuing on…

The patio is clean.  The animals fed.   The communications complete.   And, I sit listening to crickets and frogs.  These are the moments I miss.  I miss having a friend next to me.   I miss being present to my friend.  And, I then get up and clean the floor.   That is how strange I am.  I get on my knees and wipe.  I see the dirt.  Oh, dirt, I have to take temperatures again…pardon me.   

Back…and the dog is resting beside me.   An email suggests I have access to the next level of study in the microbiology.  Not quite sure how this happened but it did.   I wasn’t really marketing for it…I just shared and told my story…and realized I can do this.   What do you mean you can do this?   I don’t have the means, the money?    When I took the soil food web foundation course I was humbled.   Maybe that is why it is important.   Jim was studying with me too.   We listened to the lectures and I was fascinated with his fascination.  I got excited with his excitement.  How strange?  I couldn’t study as much as I liked as he was in a place of need but when I found the time, he went still and listened.   We shared an excitement.    That continues….  

I completed the course after Jim passed.  It distracted me and it fascinated me.   But, I knew I had a lot to learn.  I knew that what i knew was quite miniscule.    I realized my “organic” ways were no different to the “chemical” way but with a natural means.  We are forcing nature.   When you look around our home and space, it might seem a little amiss that I realize I need to learn more.   My gosh, i do!    It is a beautiful land and the creation is amazing.  But, it can be more and needs to me more.  It can be a lot more.   And, I know that.  I know that what I am learning will take things to a next realm.   Maybe that is where we need to go.  We can’t go there doing the same things. What do they say crazy is?     If I am going to make a difference, I do need to learn more and do it differently.    That is the basis of undefined reality for me right now.   I am so grateful to be entering the next level….

Today, I was welcomed into the next level of apprenticeship with the “school” (community) to gather more knowledge.    Bring it on!    Something in me says “this is not about you” and I follow that “something” as if it was a life or death situation.  It is not about me.  It is about life…it is about us!   Determined.   Also a wee bit of me says “prove it and it will work”.   That is why I need to know more and I am doing more.   That is why I think the effortlessness of this project is happening and coming to be.   It will take tremendous effort and buckets full of determination.  I have both.    Fill me up more!  Let me flow outwards!

On the other end of things, I feel good about the garden to kitchen creations.  Products all over the place…but a different way of approaching the marketing and capitalization of what I am doing.  I am realizing that it is all connected.   You can’t take the bugs out of things.  They are necessary and needed.   Alchemy is way more than separation and retardation into parts.   It is putting things back to whole.    Can marketing do that?   What if I just did it differently without a slogan or a plea…just me and my creations?    I actually don’t balance the worth on the monetary gain….so, there is the difference.  I have always been poor and I love it.

Due to demand, I am working with people again in the health sector of living.   I am scheduling carefully.   I am discovering that each person I work with, I get to learn more.   I follow the story of the blood work and investigate the channels of communication.   It is comprehensive and confusion.  Confusion?  Because we have all been led to believe we are at “war” with our inner beings.    It affects and effects each person, uniquely and individually, but the damage is quite collective.   In consultation and investigation, I have to remind myself, over and over, we are NOT AT WAR.   Raise up the good guys…that is the only way to redemption.  Maybe, possibly, one day, I will make compost as a tea for the person?   Maybe, one day, possibly, I can empower, completely, each person to be their own doctor.    

That brings me to tonics and elixirs.  What if medicine was a homemade entity that has grown, fermented and foraged from the garden to the kitchen to the mouth? Bringing elements together that can exist without pretentious preservatives.   Maybe we are not to make “products” but “limited editions” that can not be duplicated.    What?  Not duplicated?    That doesn’t make any sense.   Market the recipe and follow the rules.   Fuck off!    Each elixir and tonic is an entity into itself.  That means when you alchemize, you can not follow rules.  Your intuition, senses and knowledge just blend as it needs to be.   I am working on some pretty intense potentials and I realize I can not market as a “product” as such.  Each blend will be unique to its’ self.   Just like us humans.  Each will be a limited edition.

The stills are flowing constantly.    The aromas penetrate my home.    Each has a high note and a low.   Each is delicious and too much. I become the plants energy. Not sure that is always good.  But it is not bad either.  I am just learning the melody and mal-practice of each plant I work with.  Sometimes it is off key and sometimes it is bang on.  I am not always conscious of this in the moment.   It just happens because everything is saturated.

And, I do miss Jim.   I wish he was here listening to me blabber on. Perhaps that is why I am writing fill that gap.  But I do sense he admired this within me…and desire me to open myself to creation.   I am taking care of his things…and keeping him alive through my daily walk.   I think I love him more…no, realize how much I love him, now he is gone.  And, being alone is what he desired for me.  Being alone is what he taught me.   We were the same that way.   So, I march on…in gratitude and purpose.

I guess I am in acceptance now.  But, i still have moments when I expect you…and hear you.  I still wonder what the fuck happened and stop and look for you.   I still have moments where it shocks me you are not here.   And, you are not, and you are..and I continue on.   I love you Jim.

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