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Turning It Around & Around & Around

Turning It Around & Around & Around
“Your conflicts, all the difficult things, the problematic situations in your life are not chance or haphazard. They are actually yours. They are specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else. The part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself. It will go to extreme measures to wake you up, it will make you suffer greatly if you don’t listen. What else can it do? That is its purpose.”
~ A.H. Almaas


As I am resolving and revolving the experience of Jimi passing, I realize I have not had an opportunity to resolve certain other situations in my life.    There was a triple hitter that smashed me in a very squished moment of time.   It is time for me to start the internal process and come to acceptance and understanding.   That is not an external thing.   It is inner work.    So, let’s begin….

For those who say “I don’t get what you are talking about” let me lay the foundation here for you…plainly and simply.   

THE STORY:   My father passed last September after a battle with ALS.   My daughter decided I was a horrible person and she swam in stories that Jim and I were toxic and she could not talk to me.   Jim and I were heavily criticized.    She couldn’t talk to me.   The father of my grandchild encouraged her bad and hurtful behavior, participated in some violent attacks and then pointed the reason finger at Georgie abdomishing himself for the situation.   (I secretly believe he is the cause)   They left abruptly and left a lot of pain removing Kaya and not allowing us to be in her life.  I begged a few times to skype or connect with her.   Jim’s cancer grew…we fought it together.  We shared the situation with G and Alex.   We held hope for us and for them.  We were not supported by G and Alex at all.    Jim passed.  All I received was a nasty hurtful email from G and when I went to the coast for healing (where they live), they forbade me from seeing Kaya.   I actually saw Kaya…walking towards us but when I was spotted, G abruptly turned away leaving me in tears.   Kaya did not know I was there!   So, ya, there are issues and hurts.   Sure, I participated.  I was a part of it.  I don’t think I have felt such deep hurt before in my life.   We all were hurting.   (oh, except for perfect alex who pointed totally at G).   I go around and around reviewing the “story”.   I’ve reached out for help.  I am broken but not weak.   I know what I need to do and I am setting the stage for some wonderful potentials in the future.   I will use this….for good!    This is my healing.    I recently had to ask for some assistance from G and Alex for some legal paper-work.  They denied me by stating they do not trust and feel it is shady.  It is not!    They leave a mark and it is dark.    Karma…well, you know!  Okay, there…the story!    Honest, real, open and very scary to share!

Compounding interest…I suppose, here, let me state that I realize this experience is necessary for me…maybe even deserved by me.    

I suppose it is time to admit that certain happenings and certain people actually want you to be angry with them and keep the rift floating.  They do not understand what they do!   Then  avoid vulnerability and the lessons of conflict.   That is their way of hiding from love.   They want easy love.    It is easier for them to push away discomfort than being in true love.   True love isn’t pretty.    They set conditions on love and pretend they are completely the opposite through manipulation.   They have a tunnel vision and push everything else aside that doesn’t fit their model of perfection.    They are broken but have no ability to see the break and only point at the breaks of others.    And, they hurt others.    Maybe a soul contract?  I don’t know.

I’ve been dosed with realizing this…more that I want to admit.   But, admit I must.  I’ve been working on forgiveness and pushing and pulling on this string of hope.   Sometimes, I must say, it is okay not to forgive.   That doesn’t mean I hold on to the pain.  It means I see hatred for what it is and learn how to not let it in and let it go.    You can let go and not forgive.   Nature has consequences.   Humans are a part of nature.

They say strength lies in your acceptance and compassion, rather than in perseverance.    I seem to be falling off the edge on this one….and persevering (per-swerving) some sticky places looking to forgive the actions of others.   Those actions had very strong waves of effects that changed a lot.   One of those waves hit Jimi and I with a force where we both were shocked at the hatred.   It was not our hatred.   

I always look for and find reasons for my feelings and that causes me much tension.  So, if I let the feelings be then maybe there is relaxation?   Letting the feelings be is also understanding their purpose.    I don’t want to hold on to the hurt feelings and I don’t want to fluff them away pretending they are not real.  They are very real.   So, I share.  Sharing isn’t always easy and I realize I have not done so mainly due to fear.    

I will admit, I am getting tired with hiding and not telling the whole story.  I’ve people approach me in person to ask about what happened.   They hear the sad story that Alex lost his home.    Truth:  Jim and I gifted that home.    We presented a gift for them to have an opportunity.   They denied that gift.  We did not take it away.   Jim offered the finances…we both offered ourselves.   We did this for Kaya.    

I share now….because I realize the fear of other’s perceptions that appear as life’s prison bars.   Actually this has taken me down for too long and  it is time to open the prison door.   Some of us are meant to cocconn.  Some are not!    This self-imposed prison has caused me to rewrite, reword and hide posts in secret folders only to be seen by me.   What would it look like if that narrative and program was not playing?    Perhaps that is freedom?    

What would it be like to show the real Leisha without reservation and tell the truth without fear of other’s perceptions?   Seems I have been surrounded by people who have admonished my flair for sharing and cut it down with disgust.    Maybe some people don’t want the truth to be seen and known?   Maybe some people want to live in their bubble.  Maybe some people want to control that which is around them and feel like they are mastering their domain.   I also know that these types of people will often have a dark side that is particularly violent.   You crack that open and hot fire spews.   They seem to think this is acceptable for them…and not for others.   

I remember a situation here on the land before Jimi passed.    An argument was brewing, a division.   Jim generally would just observe and have more to say after, to me, than in the moment.   In this case, he launched into anger.   The recipient trembled and sputtered on his words and breath and became like a terrified little boy.   Jim had enough!   He was a man of few words but this day his emotions unleashed.    I am not sure the “little boy” even heard Jim’s words or realized that Jim was expressing his utter dismay at this man.  I suspect he didn’t see that in his terror.   But what Jim was doing was showing this person who he was being and how he had hurt others.   Jim was protecting his space and sharing his pain.    After this, Jim and I just hugged…a long one….as if we both knew the depths of shared anguish.    I know this pain well!   I also know Jim didn’t know how to handle it.   He kept it coated within so that it wouldn’t hurt anymore.    Unfortunately we can not do that.   It grows inside.   

I have two purposes in my sharings and a few side dish reasons too.  First, I feel it is important to speak up and speak out and tell the truth.  It is a healthy choice.  I am putting myself out there!    Reality TV as such.  But it is with purpose…for me and others so that healing can happen.    Second, I am sick and tired of hiding and therefore being phony…I am tired of hearing “I love your writing but I don’t know what you are taking about!”.    Too many of us hide, portray, put out and put up the pretty mouth puckering pictures and silly posts on social media.    We don’t often promote our real self.  I am careful, yes, because when you tell the truth it is often attacked.    Ever since I started social media, I never tried to be something I am not.  Yes, I hid a lot but what you got was real and from my heart.   What I hid was the details of the stories.    

I am not proud of many things.    I have erred and failed.   My anger has taken bites and caused mistakes.    I’ve felt indignation rise in me like a harsh grandmother spoon.    Anger is a hard one to own.   When the shadows are expressed in a nonviolent way, they do calm into creation.   My avenue to this calm sea is in writing.   So, why not use this medium…and the social platforms to get totally real?    If I benefit and someone (even if one) benefits, it is a good cause.

When you begin to do this process of honest external expression I find it shines light on that which we maintain and want to portray.   I am not portraying false me.    But, we do tend to carefully present ourselves and hide the dark side.   We keeps things even, cool and bland and easy to manage.  We maintain and mold ourselves in perception.    It is a fantasy really.    Life is in the details and not in the fantasy.     I want to be full of care…careful but I don’t want to bullshit.    Rumi says we should be fanning each other’s flames.    Flames are hot and red.    We fan the “pretty pictures” and not the dark shadows.   That just elevates the ego and not the real person.    We need to be fanning the truth not some bull shit exageration of ourselves.  

Our nature is to be free.   

Today I am in a new life!   Not what I expected or intended.  But, here I am!  Now the self liberating process needs to enfold.   I do wish to get this right.     We can not always go back.   So, forward thrust…but I desire to embrace the lessons so that the lessons become a tool for self-realization..

I like and feel purpose using words to self liberate.   Maybe I have an imagination.   Maybe I feel too much.  Maybe I make too much of the shadow experiences.   I know I have a very active imagination.   Interestingly the cells do not know if we are imagining it or if it is real.   Any emotion I experience (made up or not), I am affected and effected.  So, let’s move through these emotions.  I am choosing to write as a tool for this growth so that peace and calm seas can be experienced. 

How many people are being real?   I mean, there are a lot of us out there today on social media sharing our the picture of ourselves.   Why not use this platform to grow?    It is a wild territory when you step into that reality.  One thing for sure…if you are sharing honestly and vulnerably you will meet resistance and rejection, hand-in-hand.   And, that  brings out vulnerability and trauma about what will people think of me/us.     

Just being real, Leisha!  Some will laugh, kick, point at, admonish.  I don’t want to go to “I don’t give a shit”.  I do.   I want to embrace the possibility of being me without hiding, pretending or avoiding the reality of me.    

When you step out of line…or the norm…when you question everything, when you share the truth or when you are real there is a light that shines in the dark cracks.  It is good to question the narrative and the self distortion.  I am curious…what does it feel like for you to let everyone know who you really are?   At first, it is scary.  Then you might consider it a dumb move.   Gosh, are you setting yourself up for backlash?     And, maybe it is healing?   Maybe it is liberating?   Maybe it will reveal more about what you are afraid of and how to overcome that?   I repeat – maybe it will reveal more about what you are afraid of and how to overcome that!

Stepping out with our truth has the ability to actually take a look at what holds us back… that which is shy, hurt, damaged and timid…that which wants to play safe and just keep the good narrative so others don’t see the shadow side.   What if we stopped pretending and hiding?    Now, hiding and pretending..isn’t that fear?   

So, I will be sharing more of the messy, icky and sloppy side of myself and the experience I live within.   I will be sharing my experiences of the good and the bad.   I will be watching myself closely and how I feel about being so open and vulnerable.   I will try not to rewrite things for the sake of appearances.     I want to do this for myself.   I don’t want to compromise my way of being because of other people’s perceptions.   I don’t want to hold back because I am afraid of the consequences of what other’s might think?   I have no intention to harm…me or another.  And, I don’t want to hide and pretend.

I am in the ecosystem to show the contrast to my reality show.   I do feel like, lately, I have been given some serious medicine to drink.   I’ve reviewed the situations I have been in over and over.  I have remembered things from the past that seem quite innocent and normal at the time but they have taken on a monster bite of recognition in my now.   I have met the wolf in sheep’s clothing.    I have been violently attacked.   I have felt deep hurt.  I still feel loss.  I have held out hope to only have it smashed back into my face.  And, because of and in spite of this, I am creating dreams that mean a lot of hard work but mean a lot to the world (and nature) around me.  I have opened my heart and home to share the dream.   I am not going to hold back.   Okay, there will be some future episodes of posts that will have a password.  I only do this to protect the other, not me.   I am happy to share the passwords if they are requested.    I will hand the passwords to little miss kaya one day so she knows my truth and Jim’s truth.   

So, stay tuned…more reality sharings coming up!    I do have grave concern for the females that extended from me.    My heart and doors are open to healing.    My medicine is tough.   I drink for me and them.

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