I don’t get it! I really don’t! What seems obvious and logical is not assimilated the same way by other creatures of the human species. I have a lot of questions. I have a lot of doubts. I have a lot of wondering if anything we do can and will make a difference.
Today is six months since Jimi passed. It has been hard and I wonder why it remains so. I know and see they beauty and blessed nature around me. And, I am in participation with that creation at a level not known to me. But, what is it for? I keep asking myself that question over and over.
I wish I could get an answer and I wish that answer would come loud and clear from Jim. I wonder if he does want to communicate with me but can’t..or maybe has rules and regulations too that prevent him from connecting in ways us human’s can understand. I don’t know. And, I ask “why don’t I know?”
They say it is because it is faith. If you have faith, you sorta accept things. It is just the way they are. Well, I could go down rabbit holes with that one. I don’t know why but I am still creating. I don’t know why but I am still trying. I don’t know why but I am still giving it my all.
And, it sucks!
I want to share this with Jim. I want him to be here…to see this..to be a part of it. I want him to contribute and complain and confuse me. I want him to challenge me, to stop me, to light me up.
I won’t stop…doing what I do. But, it is getting harder and harder. I believe in what i do and what I know and still feel it is important for the future. But, I am tired. I wonder if I am just plain crazy?
Enough for tonight!
I can’t even describe that feeling of missing…the loud, heavy, relentless notions that seem to suffocate me. But, I still try.