When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Nature comes to me…not today, though! I am keeping busy so I don’t have to think or feel too much…but, that doesn’t always work…
When I find myself doing simple little tasks, well, Jimi comes to me. And, we had quite the chat today! It has been a creeping conversation where I am careful what comes out of me…but he isn’t here anymore…so why not let it all go! I don’t know! It is very insidious getting used to just me.
I am getting used to him not being here…. little by little. But, I do find myself, especially at certain times, expressing some, well, anger. Then I go to sadness..then to anger…then to confusion…then to disappointment. Today I seemed to repeat a “wtf?” jim!!!
If you have read any of my other sharings, I say “wtf?” a lot. And, that is both my style and my way…a little rough and tough around the edges but certainly very delicate inside. Jim actually started to get that about me. He called me “precious”and “delicate”. He was just starting to grasp this about me. He loved I could rough and tumble and talk shit (or listen to shit) with the best. Actually most of his best friends are shit disturbers through and through. I can play games, but I am actually very serious inside and pick up on sublime signals that send me into the stratosphere that sometimes sucks. Jim often helped me hone back home. LOL
I was making the bed tonight…new fresh sheets. This is one activity we did together..the tucking and turning of the corners and place of the blankets without the fuzzies (end of blanket) at the head. That meant our cover was cock-eyed. But, he liked that. It was almost a ritual, the bed making. We both loved sinking into a fresh sheeted, crisp and cool bed. Jim didn’t do too many domestics but he helped a little….especially with the bed making for some reason! So, as I flung and fluffed the sheets today I stopped suddenly. WTF? Jim, WTF? What the f**k happened? The sheet fell crimped and uneven.
In these moments a creepy anger arises. I find myself talking to the mid air “why didn’t you let me help you?” His passing was sudden on one hand and not on the other. He ignored it too long. It was 2 years ago or more that I first asked “are you okay?” And, I was telling Jim for a while that things didn’t seem right. He just responded that no, there was something wrong with me. I learned to be quiet and wait. But, fuck, man, I should have been more forceful and not accepted the reverberation…and, yep, I am sorta lovingly pissed (checking in with myself) off…at me, Jim and the situation. I felt bad every time I ask him “are you okay?”. And, yes, what the fuck Jim?
So, is this the anger part? I don’t know…and yep, it probably is. I did verbalize this to the sheets, blankets and pillows, today. And, sharing this here is slightly uncomfortable because it is where I become vulnerable to critics. But, what the hell…if I don’t state the truth and the reality, then I am just a pawn pretending to make the bed and lie in it.
Yes, I have a shadow side. Yes, most of us want to hide it and keep it a secret. I am just stretching the blankets to accomodate for the reality of the experience I have had. If I don’t let this shadow be realized, then no light can shine. I will leave that statement for now. The bed making can be quite a trip.
I loved Jim! He loved me! We were actually quite crazy together. And, we made the bed together perfectly.
I am getting annoyed..because as I traverse these next steps living without him and continuing the dream “we” had, I realize where he is needed. Yep, Jim, we need you. So, I have to step up and stock up and get to things on my own. I sanded (re-sanded) the trucky today ready for paint. I power-washed the dirt. I put more filler on and re-sanded again. I tried to figure out out the sanding machine..how the bleep do you get the pads on there? I just did it by hand! You can call me old fashioned and not stupid. I will youtube it. I also did a lecture, today, in the course (microbiology) on equipment for extracts and tea…you could have made/invested the most perfect set up for us. So, I will continue and do (doo doo doo) what I can. You left with the tools..but I don’t know how to use half of them. I will need to Youtube, I guess. “That a gurl” you say!
Yes, I am tough on the outside and dainty in. It is not pleasant Jimi. But, I still stand as your best friend..and I will honor that for as long as I am breathing…although I am slightly pissed at you. Like storm clouds, this too shall pass.
Love Leisha, loo