There is something rising in me that is electrified and quite intense.
I miss Jim a lot. And, I know he is behind (or inside) much of what is happening around me. I have no proof or data. I have no facts. I have intuition and that doesn’t always provide enough for others to click and fully comprehend.
When I arrived in Ecuador ten years ago, things were intense. There was a wave of misfits landing in this area most as a Fuck-u-shima escapers. I didn’t land for that reason, but the reason I did was just as intense. And, the rains came down. It was a fierce rainy season. It is was stranding people and kicking people out of their homes. And, we came together… supported and helped. When this happened 10 years ago, I was living in a tent with no other cover. I dug ditches around my tent every morning to divert the saturating water. I recall hanging clothes on the laundry line for one month solid…never drying…turning eventually black. I remember covering wood to make a fire and smoldering fires that caused a cough. I remember wondering what in the world was I doing? But, I was free…and happy…and alone! Water has an essence that needs respect.
Today seems familiar to me. The rains are singing the same song. I am grateful Jimi built this house with this knowledge..for the one.maybe two times these rains come. Prepare for the worst. But, today I have a more focussed sense of purpose and find myself in a creation that has such potential. This was the love and labour of Jim and I, together. All of a sudden, surrounding me are young women and little children. I am honored to call them friends…and honored to gift them as I can. I love to give…so feel very comfortable and humbled when I get to do it. Jimi’s passing has caused some if not all of this. It couldn’t or wouldn’t have happened if he was here. He liked his privacy and space. I get that and abided and respected Jim for this. I did the same with my ex…the man I married young and stayed with for the childhood to young adulthood of my child. He, the ex made rules so that his home was his home after 6 pm.
My child is no longer a part of my world. I am beginning to accept and set boundaries for any reconnection. But, that is over…and somewhat gone…and that means I still give and allow “me” so that I can benefit the world around me. I witness a new family happening and forming. Yes, I am pretty intense. I have a lot of offer and give in knowledge only because I learned things the hard way. I have never stopped learning or studying, literally and figuratively. I know I don’t get it and know that the day I say “I do”, please let’s shut it all down. I am not a know-it-all. But, I have a lot of offer. And, I am in a position now to give and give and give more. And, I am feeling very humbled.
It is almost like all the shit, all the suffering and all the intensity is accumulating into a fine pointed pen tip. But, don’t let that get to my ego…I am just passing things on as I learn.
Jim’s passing has both changed everything and enhanced everything. There are two young women, specifically whom Jim adored..and actually felt they were his little sisters. And, in their love for Jim, they love me too. They see me and we are creating creations beyond imagination. The creations have a potential beyond “us”. That is fucking amazing.
One of my greatest sadnesses in life is not having a grandmother teacher. I literally didn’t meaning relationship with a blood grandmother and also realistically – not feeling I had an elder to guide me. One came into my life when I arrived in Ecuador. She was a friend of my parents but was younger than them and my little sister was named after her. Through social media she cheered me on and connect with me causing me to pause and realize she never knew me as an adult, but remembers the little Leisha and bonded.
I want to extend this…..energy. The Agenda’s of our times and bullshit that has separated our family structure has to be realized and spit upon. My family, my parents and siblings were not really affected. We were not prefect and still are not, but we get “family”. I give my Mom and Dad credit for that. But, the psyops of the next generation are strong and willfully winning. We have to end this. I am not able to do so with my child or her child as she is too young to have a say. The child of my child, Miss Kaya will return. I feel this with every cell in my body. I have been told so too by a see-er whom I respect. It is destined for so many reasons that bind on the soul contracts. I will wait patiently. As mother and grandmother does so! I have plenty to keep me busy and I deepening my understanding of the soul of soil will take this creation and elevate it. When this magic is formed, gosh, I can only imagine the incredible results. Taking shit and death and making it gold.
And in the meantime, I will give all I can and everything I know to this land and those who want to get it, want to learn and want answers. I don’t have the answers but I am at a stage where I can give and give and give. Jimi gifted that to me. And, that is beautiful.
It is not the end of this story..just a beginning of something crazy beautiful rising out of suffering. I miss you Jim, a lot. The experience is not in vain. I am still weak and I still cry in the silence of being alone. But, I am fucking motivated like I have never felt before.
Jim I love you more.