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The Empty Feeling

The Empty Feeling

Dear Jimi,

I am keeping myself very busy and doing the things (projects) that I know you smile upon.   The study has been restarted again and I am close to graduating (soil food web, microbiology).    I know you can see us and what we are doing from the space/place or realm you are now in, but I feel I need to write this and share.   This is perhaps my way of exposing and allowing my love to flow.

I miss you a lot.   I am wondering when the “I can’t believe you are not here” moments go away.  Perhaps they never do?   I see so much of you here in our space, on our land.   It saddens me that you are not here.   It saddens me that things are progressing exactly as we dreamed and I am standing alone.    But, I continue..and that continuing has a bit more gumption too.   I am motivated towards it happening and working especially for you.

Ale is here now.   We are working well together.  I know you smile upon this.  You always referred to her as your “little sister”.    I know why…she has the same type of erratic and powerful force as I do and a sense of “let’s get this done”.    You were like that too.    She isn’t afraid of what she doesn’t know.   She sees obstacles as possibilities.    We do make a good team.    And, she is also a kindred in a connective experience as she does understand what I am going through because of her experience of late.   I know you are pleased and I know you are saying “it is good”.

Tomorrow we are having a “training day” for the Purple Carrot Club team.   We have laid the foundation to start this project and get things happening.    Keisha suggested we call the business Suelo Vivo/ Living Ground.  I like it.   It seems others like it too.    I will be placing some of your ashes in our first piles.  I feel this will be good.   May your essence be with us and in the sacred composts we will make.   The piles we make tomorrow will our first mother piles.  I will be using the microscope to know what is happening.  I hope I see you there!   I feel you are glad.

I breath deeply a lot considering you.    I watch for you a lot.   I wonder a lot.     I want to talk to you.  I want to hug you.  I want to hold your hand.   And, I am strong.    This is a process that is new to me.   I find myself moving from a deep love to a confusing disappointment.    I can’t believe fully you are gone. WTF Jimi??????

Keeping busy is good.   I occupies my mind.   But, the silence and quiet cause a reflection that is difficult.   

I am doing my best to honour you and keep your Spirit alive as you would like.   This weekend, I am painting the truck.   Now, that is a project you never wanted me to do, but it seems I have too…the cost for me, a gringo woman, was 5x what you were quoted.   It will be okay, honey…better than you imagined.   I do it with care, love and a desire to look after what you left behind.   


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