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Suffering? Is that What It Means to Be Human?

Suffering? Is that What It Means to Be Human?
I am slightly annoyed as I sit here in this beautiful place without Jim.   Of course I am asking the questions “how come?” and “why did you leave me?”   It has me entering deep corridors of the meaning of life, the meaning of death and what is going on.

What is the true meaning of suffering?    As I begin to contemplate the suffering in my own life I realize it, suffering,  is going on with everyone around me.   Some ignore it, some avoid it, some make it “labelled” as something other than suffering. Some make jokes.    Some pretend and some trying on new age techniques to wish it away.   Some lean on God and pray.   Some are so rigid they don’t even realize.    Some will contain it in addictions.  Some will toss it in the “deal with it later” pile.  Some will just collapse.  Some, like me, question it.  We each have our ways to “deal” with it.   But, there is a silent boom to suffering that is different for everyone but has a hole of common fact.

It is a strange thing, this life that we take for granted.    I did!   Jim and I were creating a space we held in common vision.   I now find myself sitting here and asking “why did you leave?” and “what the fuck?”   Why!  There are so many “whys” (wise) I think sometimes I am going nuts.  I find myself in moments of time when I forget Jim has gone.  I found myself in blips of “oh, you are not here anymore?”    It seems surreal.  Then I question it…the completeness of it.    I can’t see you, hear you and know you are just the other room, you bedroom, the garage.  It is a strange realization.  Death is so complete.  Jimi, where are you?  There is no turning back or changing it and no “hey, there you are”.    It is it!  What the beep does “it” mean?  This is such a strange experience.

I am a shadow type.   I express suffering more than most (not saying I experience it more)  and this is indicated by the fact I am writing this here, public and open.  Suffering sucks and….. I can see what an incredible blessing the suffering holds.  It doesn’t come often, the realization of the blessing, but when it does it is very simple and sweet.  It is like a soft blanket and it gifts you with grace.  It is a realisation that I know if I can compost it and it can and will transform my life.  These compost muses have transformed my life.   That is when I can welcome to the embrace of the Great Mother!  I say this because all my suffering goes into the creation I offer.  It is all offered back.   It becomes a creative pursuit with results.    But, when I die, the creation stops.    And, that sucks.   Is tis the key to understanding the “game” of life?   I don’t get it but sometimes I feel I am close..or touching it.

In this suffering of Jimi’s passing I am now more compelled and electrified to keep keep the dream growing, going until I can’t.    There is a part of me that says “if I have to do it without you and because of you” I will.   But, I still sit here asking Jim “why?”    My senses are alone now..I can’t smell, hear, see, touch or feel you.   Well, you still linger in our home.   And, I will continue to have you linger in special articles of memories.

So, where are you?

The Great Cosmic Mother stops me!   I don’t want to sound new agey though with this statement.  This goes beyond the divine man and woman, light and dark and all the airy surrounding it.    That is bull shit as far I know and the lighter bearer in disguise.   All of us are both and neither..that is the cosmic joke.   I don’t feel inclined to align with the ways of the world presented in our time in any fashion.  I belonged for a long time…and I just got myself kicked out.   Yep, the softer version of the witch-hunts all because I was a seeker and wanted others to “ask” questions and not just blindly believe.    I feel both further away and closer to truth than ever before.   But that rises because I have come to realize, I don’t know.     I question it all.  I know there is enough deception and infliction that we all suffer from insanities.   But, I know, in the folds of a mother’s embrace one can understand as they look into the eyes of their child or a lover, or mother or father or pet and feel that love and know that love.  It is the same with weeding and the same with soil.   It somehow holds the master key to all suffering and stands (hides or hangs out) behind the teachings themselves.   

I sit and look out alone now…at the creation here.  I see with these eyes and hold the vision alone.    Am I alone?   No and yes!   Is Jimi with me?  No and yes!   Can I share this?  Yes and No.   Can it be explained?   No, unless you hold a belief that has no real concrete evidence.  And yes, when you hold a belief that has not concrete evidence it is a feeling.   That, I think means you are called a believer in some factions (fractions)  and someone who is saved. Do I need that?  I think I will stand aside for a while and just embrace the “what now?” and keep asking “why?” and waiting, waiting for deeper personal insights. I know there is magic…and I know magic is creative and destructive.    As strange as it sounds, I don’t want to “belong” because I know that party game is just a disguise that is not very pretty and is also beautiful.

Here I share an example of the views and stances we take on suffering and death…and how far apart we are…or close together.   Can anyone really know?   Yes, you can feel…but that often sets up moral compass.   All I can say is that truth never changes…only our perception of it

The debate…well, it is a tough one!   Don’t we judge others too much!   Maybe ourselves?   I see where the comfort comes in thinking about “being saved”.    But, I can’t wrap my head around how we all view this?!    Don’t we become un-God-like (or not like Jesus) when we state “salvation” is only for a few?   Anyways, I don’t know…and that gives me the freedom to question, ask and feel. 

It is like a triple mystery of transmission.   It is not about faith,  though it goes much deeper.   It is beyond teachings yet it is about what life teaches.  It is not a way of being or doing but why we be and do.    Honestly, for me, right now, it is about the way of grace through suffering.    I do know suffering.   I ask for grace.   And, suffering is programmed into us for some reason.  I may see this way more than most…or express it more.   We all experience heart-ache and heart-break.   We all avoid it too.   My heart goes out to the children of innocence who have experienced suffering at the hands of man.

What I do know…that giving and giving and giving is somehow an antidote.    The selfish may not feel the suffering now, but they will at some point.  It is a cloud that returns with the storm.   I feel some kinda peace knowing this!   It is is giving and giving and giving.    Happy are those!

Having some deep knowledge of this gives me a comfort.  Maybe  it is  sense that those who harm and hurt there is an ultimate revenge when they/me/we avoid it.  I drop to my knees and ask for help.    That sounds harsh, but,  I know “suffering” will infect us all.  Jimi suffered a lot. He hide it well…too well.  I am suffering because I couldn’t get him to suffer with me.   I still have the “what ifs” floating around and the “whys” (wise) is corkscrewing deeper.    For me,  I suffer and I don’t hide it well.   

I am sorta pissed he is not sitting here with me!    As I work this space now, I realize I do more for others than myself.   I did more for him, Jim,  than me.  Maybe women are more like this!?   Maybe it is time to just do it “because”.   I can do it for me.  So, I will do..and keep doing and practice that.    And, as I give. some will take, some will see, some will use and some will abuse.   My goal is to just do it regardless, right?    I am entering that space now.   I don’t know if “fate” is a factor, but it sure has me questioning a lot.

Those who enter deeply enough into the three great paths through suffering — the alchemical, the sacrificial, the mindful —– they will eventually meet the “Great”.   And, the “Great” represents the very spirit of grace that brings an end to human suffering perhaps after we leave this space and place.    I think but I don’t know.   

I feel like the present moment is a sacrifice that is mindful and is an alchemy of life that I have never known.   I bow and ask for Grace because I am in a dream that was for us both…and alone…and I continue so that others may benefit.  While I feel empty, I also feel filled with great energy.  For now, t’s better spent on editing and revising rather than creating anything from whole cloth. You can take something good and turn it into something great!   In Jim’s name!

they can be weapons,
they can be shields,
they can be seeds
of wisdom and beauty.
I use words as weapons,
I use them as shields.
But in my defense:
the seeds of love
sown in my heart,
and its flowers,
are most precious,
and defenseless.
‘Passion’, Sulamith Wülfing


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