Seeing the future isn’t an option, but planning for it can be. The past can be a teacher or a burden carried as a burden or acknowledged as a gift.
I am sorry, Purple Carrot Club. I haven’t been sharing much lately. In fact, I have been exposing a little more on facebook than I do here. It is a pattern…and prompt of ease. I get its’ lure..and I have recently chosen to make it, facebook, a place of research and recording In other words, I report my research and keep the posts geared towards that research so I can look back and see forward. It seems to be a great way to use that forsaken media
Time is moving away from Jimi’s passing and it is good I am morphing into different experiences. I miss him terribly but that is fuel for what I do every day. And, every day is full and fruitful. It almost becomes a movement of purpose..doing what i do because of Jim and, more powerfully, due to him. It is a dream inside a nightmare.
I am not dwelling in the sadness although it still takes me in silent, alone and intimate moments with myself.
I think a lot about my daughter too. I have attempted to communicate and correspond with no responses. I have opened the crack of a my love to her. And, I receive nothing. I have my own discernment as to why she does what she does. I hear about her from others. I often hear negatives. I hear worries. I hear concern. And, I am powerless. That is a statement of acceptance to the reality. It is a recognition of what is going on. I know more than I admit or share.
I wonder and ponder and dream about Kaya. I imagine the day I will see her again. And, I think it is too far in the future for me to consider that moment. It is a moment that I just have to let be and happen when the time comes and it will come.
We can’t change the past…but we can do something about our now and future. It is all motion set in place by our beings. I am a grandmother, that is reality. I am estranged. But, I can choose to be a “grandmother” in my own way, to others. And, that is what I doing. I am feeling very fortunate to have that possibility around me…to share and care as I am…and to give to those after me to the best of my ability. It seems the “little ones” seem that like this space and place and me are cool. The little ones’ look at me with a comfortable query. They laugh with me and enjoy being with me. For that, I am grateful.
I told a little but wise one this weekend that we don’t need to wash the lettuce and greens. She responded, “you are not like my mom”. Well, that is true. And, it is not that I am going, or want to go against Mom’s way, so, I explain myself. I say “the plants picked are perfect in presentation. The bugs, or microbes upon them, are good for us. It is the same with our feet that are dirty from the soil. It is good “dirt”. We don’t want to wash that miniature goodness away, too much.”. The child stares at me with a deepening gaze of questioning realization.
And, that gaze gives me hope!
The little ones ask the hard questions as they are curious. Who is Jim and where did he go? My answer is real. He is not here and I don’t know where he is! He has gone but he hasn’t. It is sad and I am grateful. I was hard and I am okay. It sucks and it is beautiful. I miss him and I keep him real, now. I remember him all the time and I am creating something from those memories that is constructive and has purpose. I can cry and smile at the same time. NOW!
It is all not useless or has no meaning.
Yes, I believe, see and acknowledge evil. I witness those close to me in the dark tunnels of selfishness and I am powerless to make change. And, I realize we are each on a journey and all have a karma. My karma is my business and for others and another, it belongs to them and them alone.
I am not really an intellect nor do I have a scientific mind but I have cognitive abilities that are unusual. I see things most don’t and I often want to hide that “seeing”. It causes discomfort. But, I do have comrades who recognize this about me. They are the ones who feel comfortable with me and don’t feel judged. I don’t judge to the best of my ability. I have opinions and views and heart-sight…and I am willing to divulge as kindly as I can. I have no intention to leave another feeling I have judged. And, some do! I realize this is not my business and to let that go. This confidence arises because I know who I am and that I try, and attempt and give openings and caring. I am empathic…and my strength is in the attempt to do what is right.
I desire Kaya to know that I love her..miss her..and long to share with her. I desire the same in respect to my daughter. And, I desire it for Jim too. I am grateful for the last month of Jim’s life when we share that intimacy. I will always leave that possibility open for my daughter. I do not like what she is doing but it is her life. As a mother, I learn another level of loving by letting go. And, I engage my role, now, as a grandmother and gift it to those who appear and present.
It is hard..the experience…and it is not forsaken. My portal door creation is always open.
The entity “Living Ground – Suelo Vivo” is rising. It comes from many years of attention. It is my gift. I can do it now without the distraction of survival. It almost seems like I am playing. And, maybe that is the gift. I can play, as the children do. Thank you Jimi!
