As I sit musing upon all that “was”, I find myself experiencing a soup pot of emotions that range from adoration to anger to confusion to disappointment to absolute love. I feel a little crazy right now. It is a little exhausting. One thing I know, for sure, is that I loved you and you loved me. I love you more (how jimi would respond when I said I love you).
Really, it is insane how the corridors of memories seem like a kaleidoscope of “would-haves, should-haves and could-haves”. I am not beating myself up…I am just reviewing the reality of this experience.
The 20/20 aspect is starting to set in and bake at high temperatures. Watching the video of Kaya, I saw a gentle, kind man with a deep, deep sadness. I watched that video over and over and over focussing in on your face. This was the time you started to become different. It was probably at the initial stages of cancer. I am angry because something in me knew this. I kept asking “what is wrong?” I was ineffective in bringing it to the surface so we could deal with it, then! That “then” (the beginning) held the greatest hope for healing.
We had many a break-down over this. When I told you I felt something was not right, you asked why. I would often try to explain saying “you are not yourself”, “you seem off”, “you seem angry”….all from the guts of intuition. You always responded “I am fine”. You said “intuition” isn’t a fact and I had a problem. You wanted to help me “how can I help you Leisha?” You said that alot.
BUT, but, but, sweetheart, we had every tool necessary to help YOU. My hands, my heart, my desire, my knowledge was itching to help you. FUCK!
I did bring up the “c” word. I was told not to be negative and not talk about that “c”. Were you afraid? Did you think that by naming it, it would become reality? Why?
Friends noticed! They would come to me and say “jimi doesn’t look well”. I received an email from Georgie saying many of your “old friends” had told her they saw it too. Of course, G had her own cruel twist on the reasons and she made sure she let me know. Never mind! I did talk to our close friends about it and I think everyone was concerned but not wanting to realize the truth. No one wants to realize the darkness of illness. I sorta felt like a lone wolf or perhaps a little chiwawa barking and nibbling at your ankles.
Why do people not stop and consider? Why are those closest considered negative or wrong when they want to bring it to the surface? Why do we ignore our bodies? Why can’t we trust intuition? If you feel something is wrong, why make it worse?
20/20…. I think you knew deep down. You dealt with it more by withdrawing and hiding. You were too tough. You didn’t want others to help you. When we were in Canada, one of your siblings shared with me; as a young boy, if conflict happened (many brothers), you would go to your room and suck it up. You never “narc’d” on your siblings. But, you never expressed yourself either. I imagine you as a little man folding your arms and closing up – “fuck you” would be the expression.
I can’t help but go over and over the last moments, the last week, month and years. I am collecting photos and analysing each and every one. Yes, over time, I can see how the illness was slowly taking its’ toll. For the last two years, anytime we went out, you wanted a pillow to sit on. You were always uncomfortable, We should have realized something was off. We were social beings, but you stopped wanting to go out or do anything. You starting taking naps more and more. You were grumpy a lot. You couldn’t tolerate others or situations. Even Kaya would ask you “why are you grumpy Pepe?” She was so matter of fact. People started to annoy you more and “get to you” more. I saw life nibbling and nagging at you. Everything was a “fuck, fuck, fuck”. Things were tense between you and me. Tasks and chores were getting harder for you and more like a hardship. Our worlds changed dramatically in many ways. Yes, I remember being so concerned, so upset and so worried. I remember trying to talk to you and that only amounted in a breakdown. I felt like I was banging my head against a wall.
And, we were building our dream! You worked solid on the house. Even though you were ill, you did it. You wouldn’t stop. You were like a bull charging a red scarf. Fuck, Jimi, why didn’t you stop and consider what was going on inside you?
Now it is over and I am truly relieved your suffering is over. While I always knew you were suffering, you wouldn’t admit it so I just had to carry on. But, in the end, you had to admit it. It was at that point we actually became amazing LOVE. In your final months, it was hard, but we fertilized our love. I became your hands, legs, heart! You responded with so much love and gratitude. We deepened our friendship. We shared and connected at very intimate levels. We talked about Ruchel and her passing and how the pain was deep for you and never really expressed. We talked about changing the “anger” sign on your truck to “angel”. You finally shared your hurt and pain so I could hold it tenderly and lovingly with you. We talked about your deep hurt over Kaya and how Georgie and Alex left. You apologized for me for not being there for me and holding me up when I needed it. And, I desired to take your suffering from you…and help you. You listened to Nate when he shared “Jim, find your gratitude”. You were doing it man! I love you for this!
It was a strange experience because I was waiting for a long time for you to say “help me” and when you did,there was so much hope and so much love.
In the end, I knew things were bad but I still held a morsel of hope. I wanted us rise up from this. We talked about the things we wanted to do together. We talked about the plans on the land. We discussed how you/we would be entering a completely new lifestyle. We talked about how we would present and gift to Kaya and we made the motions to do so. You appreciated and encouraged me to write…to get into the gardens and to do what I loved to do. We talked about our dreams. You said “I don’t want to go” and I believed you. We acknowledged that our “individual doings” were a perfect and precious match. You always told me not to have expectations. I did! I expected you to heal and survive this.
This is when I go, again “FUCK”.
Many years ago a friend said to me “the shouldn’ts, wouldn’ts and couldn’ts or should haves, could haves, would haves” are useless. They don’t amount to anything constructive. But, how do you maneuver around them? At this point, I really don’t have a choice.
So, what is the purpose of this letter and what am I trying to say? My gosh, listen to your lovers, partners and friends when they tell you they are concerned. Don’t ignore the prolonged tiredness or “not rights”. When illness is young and new, you have a very good chance of thwarting it and changing the outcome of chronic disease. Look at yourself in the mirror. Study your body. Know when something is off and either do something about it or ask for help. Circles of families and friends, don’t be afraid to say “hey, you don’t look well?” Ask “how can I help?”
Do it now for the future might not be easy! Do it now because cancer is evil. It doesn’t care who you are or what you are doing. It feeds on the dark side and the sufferings. It loves you to ignore yourself and others. It licks its’ lips when we pretend we are okay.
For the love of God/Creator, please be aware…..cancer can be beaten!
Your cancer is no more Jimi! I imagine you free and at peace! I imagine you saying to me “how can I help you?” I don’t want anyone to experience what we did…I am helping by sharing our story. I love you more!