Well, my love, i now know the terror of this evil-cancer as you did through your experiences in life. I am still wading through the frustration, grief and “what the fuck happened” shit. I am feeling a stir up of powerful moods from untold and hidden stories swirling around our love and life together. Other than my father who past peacefully just over three months before you, I haven’t experienced death. Here I write to help relieve the underlying crustaceans, frustrations and cremations with a desire that the words placed here, tenderly and sloppily will be a healing balm for me and others.
Many years ago were left behind when your late wife, Ruchel passed over. We talked alot about this and I always knew there was a forlorn hurt and anger held against and for this ugly entity cancer. It had taken a number of your family and friends. You knew with Ruchel, it was the chemotherapy poison that eventually killed her. Now, I know, more! I know the pain. I so wanted you to heal from this…I poked and prodded and did ecstatic dances around you to help you heal. Now it is my job to heal!
I am sorry
Your cancer was “named” just two weeks before you passed. It was Carcinoma Sarcomatoid or Sarcomatoid Carcinoma (a rare mixture). Sarcoma, alone, is considered the rarest and called the “forgotten” one. So, you had the rarest, unknown mixed up into another rare which makes it even more rare. Just like you Jimi, the rarest of the rare. From what I have read, they do not know why these two cancer mix and morph … but they did in you! It was off the charts in unpredictability. Just like you! It was aggressive and fast…like you in a good sense – you were a “get-r-done” guy with a confidence to do anything.
We discussed the chemo/radiation choices and I know you despised that option. I supported you 100%. But, we never really got a chance to fight this, did we? If only we did! (at the end of this article I list what we would have done). The doctors never presented us an allopathic solution (chemo or radiation) after the presentation of the pathology report. There are no clinical trials with this “forgotten” cancer to guide their recommendations. We know, doctors can only recommend pharmaceuticals, chemo or surgery or else, they will lose their jobs. That is so against their “oath”. Wake up doctors for the love of mankind!!! In your case, after surgery, the doctors went silent. Were they dumbfounded? Was it because they knew your death was close? Maybe they saw you and me as “those” people who desired to walk a real healing path. I so wished we had the chance..I know, if we did, we could prove it right and effective.
During this experience, I was doing all I could just to keep you nourished, fortified and gaining strength. We used the “drugs” as the emergency dictated, but they were destructive. And, they kept giving more recommendations. There was a basket full of capsulated poisons on our counter. It was horrible. Two days before you left, we chose to remove them all except those that helped you with the pain. Too little, too late!
What I witnessed with your cancer was an underlying fear for one’s life and a deep loss. It was hidden below the tough layers you used to protect yourself. You favourite sayings were “too little, too late”, “not good enough” and “nobody is telling me what to do”. You were a “eye for an eye” type of guy. It was a automatic program. You were the “fix-it” guy and you took control of fixing things yourself and by yourself. In hindsight I saw you (at the end) like a fish out of water in danger of dying and a feeling of being let down and alone (abandonment). The day you passed you said to me “I don’t want to fall asleep, I might not wake up”. I didn’t want to admit those words. I am a fighter too. I wanted to love you, heal you, care for you! I know you knew this and felt this over the course of our last months together. I know you were grateful to have me by your slde, but, fuck, Jimi, if we could go back in time!
We had many a conversation about your inner thoughts and feelings. You knew I would never abandoned you and I know you were grateful. I am tired now and will replenish the energy to carry on.
We actually have similar responses to the world around us and I don’t think this is uncommon for a lot of the misfits who arrived and stayed in Vilcabamba. We came here to this part of the world to heal …to act upon the inner voices and get things right. We were changing our worlds in this regard. I am sorry the beast rose powerfully and stopped this process for you. It was not your time! We were almost there!
I remember the acts of waiting in the emergency rooms, being in the ambulance, the hospitalization and undergoing surgery. I am sorry we experienced that. It probably added to the evoked existence and abandonment conflicts. It was a deception in the phrase “I have lost everything”. This could be from your loss of Ruchel, Kaya and even me. And, you were passionate about your freedom to liberate your “name” from systems that incorporated you. You were abandoned at sea! I know my dear!
You were also a guy who didn’t want to admit pain or show weakness. I would ask you “are you in pain?” and up until the last month, you always answered “no, it just aches”. Your tolerance was a super power. I don’t know whether you didn’t want me to worry, you didn’t want to know (denial) or you really did not feel pain but, I wish you had of felt it earlier. I wish you had of said “something is wrong, let’s work on this”. I get you didn’t want to be a burden or seen as a weak one. Herein lies my frustration!
Two years ago as we were in the process of acquiring our new land together. This is when you became ill. It is interesting how this dis-ease rose as your dreams were happening before you. I did your live/dried blood and came to the conclusion it was a type of autoimmune and perhaps myositis. You didn’t agree. You were weak, tired, depressed and down. The old injuries were affected, inflamed and pounding pain. I remember it moved..the pain jumping around the weak spots. It lasted a few months. Eventually Dr Saber named it…autoimmune and even gave it the same type as I had “myositis”. What I didn’t realize, we didn’t realize is those with this autoimmune are high risk for cancer (https://understandingmyositis.org/myositis-complications/myositis-cancer/) FUCK Jimi!
We actually did see you heal and improve. The natural protocols were working. But, we entered a building phase creating our home and you lost the path of healing to “get r done”. This was a difficult time me for us. We had many breakdowns and hiccups. I was like a woman gone crazy not knowing why it was so hard. I know now…we were fighting cancer without knowing it. I even stated the “c” word a few times and you were upset with me…telling me I was being negative. Oh, the tears! And, while this is shitty, it is what it is! Our dynamics were great, powerful, creative and destructive. Both of us are too independent for our own good.
A friend recently shared that under that tough and rough cover was a special secret – a sweet, kind, soft man. I knew that…I saw that and got to adore and love that. I knew there was something wrong long before you or most. I was the crazy woman worrying. I saw the cancer chew you up. I say loud and clear, it is not fair, right or proper in any stretch of realization.
Others have shared their belief that it was your time, Jimi. I can’t disagree more! You had so much to live for and a zest for living that never faded. Even in the end you fought with all your might. I am sorry this monster took you. I am sorry! Cancer has no purpose as it proliferates. It is not natural. It is rises and eats on the inner conflicts and it doesn’t care about love or light or what is meant to be.
I want to share what we would have done if given the chance!
Here are links to the products we were going to do. In fact, the morning before our last hospital trip, Jimi took one dose of these items. Too little too late! I present these so that others may know of the choices. I leave these here because I want others to know of the alternative solutions.
Cansema Tonic III http://www.altcancer.net/ct3_new.htm
Fenbendazole Veterinary Vermifugehttp://www.altcancer.net/fen.htm#post
Hydrazine Sulfate (some, not all, with cancer will actually die due to Cachexia – the wasting away of the cancer patient’s body. Jimi was deep in this process. We didn’t get this in time. But, it was a plan. Hydrazine sulfate is a chemical used in industry and as jet fuel. For this reason, I really think it would have been amazing for Jimi
Iodine Protocol I have linked and uploaded A PDF DOCUMENT that Jimi was very excited about when we realized the prostate issue last October, 2020. If it wasn’t cancer, this would have worked. I strongly encourage men read this document that reveals the truth about iodine and health. Here is some more information about iodine and cancer
For Jimi we were beginning a full on green juicing protocol that contained celery, parsley, broccoli, purslane, crab grass, nettle, sweet potato leaves, apples (with seeds), he was drinking strong Chaga tea (the king of fungus), He was also doing sublingual baking soda, iodine and taking Essiac herbs and local herbs such as Condurango.