I really wish I could find the words to describe the feelings and experiences. The sense of loss is not easy to describe. It is wave of longing coupled with never, evers again. The realizations seem cruel to be honest. It just doesn’t make any sense. Why have this beautiful life mixed with such suffering?
Maybe it can be compared to a plant producing its most sacred flowers and fruits only to die back into dormancy and death after the pinnacle of purpose has been surmounted? So, if that is the case, life is about fruition.
It is an Ambedo. From the dictionary of obscure sorrows, Ambedo means “a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life…” It is in the little things. it is in those things unseen in memories. I don’t get it. So, I write….
I am Ambedo
You have gone ahead or somewhere
I have seen, known and unknown.
and everything in between
have been and not been
and nothing and everything
And I still create
Do you forgive me?
Do you love me?
day after day and night after night
After it all?
I try to understand
I am not sure I do
To what, I don’t know
I created and still do
It is against my will but let it be
I am tired
To be with you again
Can you hear?
Why is that one way?
And yes, it’s a noble act to author your own story instead of solely acting from what you’ve inherited. But as we seize our agency and make empowered choices it would be wise to remember that we are not simply the authors of our lives. We are co-authors with life.
Events can arise that change the entire direction of our narratives. The curveballs are coming.
It is not stopping me from aiming high and advancing in the direction of the dreams.
Sometimes these curveballs turn out to be exactly what was needed. By pushing us in directions we could have never envisioned, we become more than we could have ever imagined. And, we will meet again.