It has been a while since I wrote to you solo. It hurts too much as I waddle through memories of my mind. However, I do have some queries and questions that sit on the tip of my mind leaning over towards receiving some answers.
First on my mind lately has been where are you? The absoluteness of you not being here is confusing. I am slowly and steadily getting used to it, but it doesn’t help answer the question. My hyperphantasia tells me you are okay. That is consoling. But, I wonder why death is so complete and finite. Why can’t we have moments of connect that are solid, for sure and not a part of my imagination and phantasia? Are you there somewhere banging on my being wondering why I can’t hear you? Or, are you observing quietly my human-ness from a space where suffering doesn’t exist?
Can you see me? If so, then it is a one way mirror? How strange? And, if so, are you smiling upon me/us still here? There is so much happening around me that would not happen if you were here. The changes, the projects, the alterations of daily life would have been too much for you. It would have been crazy world for you. Maybe “too much” is not the right description. Maybe it is more things are happening fast. It is not what I am doing is wrong or bad, it is just very high energy and forward fasting. My time is realigning to do the hard work, the hard fucking work necessary for the what next. It takes an open and courageous stamina that I think you acknowledged within me but it was also contained when you were here. Maybe it is perfect. Our world and the kind of human is going bezerk. Maybe we do need to step things up 10, 20 and 100 notches?
I have another question that goes to the time of your death; what was going through your mind and thoughts? Were you afraid? Why did it seem, to me, you fought it with all your might? During your last weeks I witnessed a very peaceful and content Spirit…one who was open to let it be. That gives me comfort. However, your last moments were extreme? I wonder why? What were you thinking? Were you worried about me? Our last day was a very hard one. We both felt helpless. We both didn’t know what was going on. You said to me “thank you for being with me.” And, you were angry. Maybe that was just the pain. I am left feeling we did it wrong…we took some wrong turns. We were scared. I didn’t or couldn’t believe it was your time. I was hopeful and grateful for your transformations. What were you thinking? And, if it was a divide for you, did it disappear when you crossed over?
As you probably know (I think) new information is coming to light (to the surface) of the experiences we had together surrounding Kaya and her removal from our world. It was such an extreme and horrible situation. Time has settled and clarity is starting to set in. Man, honey, I want you to know we did the right thing in the best way we could. We had no control over the situation and were caught in the world of others whose presence was dark. We questioned each other and the happenings as evil does that. It will try to tear apart. But, we were true…and stayed true and I am grateful for every moment, even and especially the hard ones. My tears are becoming clarity. We were not at fault, Jim. We played our cards and our hearts right. Karma will continue. Things will change. I drink this medicine now with courage and deeper realization.
I am realizing many things now. I re-play the experiences and listen to the situations, happenings and words. We were played. We are not victims but we were caught “in it”. It will work itself out, for sure. The only thing required is time…and patience. Neither you or I deserved what we experienced. But, we experienced it and for purpose. That is where the lesson of medicine comes in. Drink and develop. Love is true! I love you!
I still think about you a lot. I ask you to hold me at the end of the day. I ask to feel you and know you are okay. No clear answers are received but I do sense you are looking upon us. And, I know that “it all” is for greater purpose. My purpose now is to stay strong, heal and carry it forth. The carrying forth means I protect what we dreamed so that no other can destroy it. The virus is not covid…it is man gone crazy.
I love you Jimi. More than you knew but you know now!