So, you have stumbled into my little digital realm and space here. Either you know me and are curious, concerned or you are just surfing and driving around the web and found me. First and foremost, I would like to welcome you with open arms and only hope that your mind is as curious as mine is. This blog was initiated from deep loss. Words are my healing balm. And, know, this space is not the real me..it is a digital representation placed into the program one letter and number at a time to create and fashion an echo of lived life.
Who am I?
I a female, middle aged, apprentice to logic, harbinger of the inevitable, appraiser of morals and actions, professional of the garden arts, observer and creator of drama around me, critic of the current catastrophe in this modern day, The power of my name is energetic and the time of my birth fate-induced. I am not sure how that works, but it seem to be a digital thread even if it is not strong rope. I am not sure if I decided this time to experience what I do or if time decided for me. I am a deep thinker and very sensitive. I hurt easy. I care too much. I question everything. I love helping others. And, yes, I am in a tunnel of healing.
In my spare (cough, cough) time, I am a wine enthusiast, chef form the garden, preserver of foods and medicines, soil reclaimer, people watcher, self-proclaimed babbling author, and a fan of those who question “who am I?” and “what is going on?” I am a thinker and analyzer. So, sometimes I am a critic and nitpicker. However, if you want to go deep, let’s talk!
I actually live for others and I also realize the paradox that when I am invisible, I am a most powerful creative force.
Well, that short summary just naturally poured out of me. And, the reality is that is not the all and only. I write to share more but will never contain the fullness of the who I am. Only our Souls can hold that full story. We are all a little complicated, right? We can all be many things, shapes and sizes. Most of us do actually feel. There are some who really do not care and I am not sure how to label those entities. They are usually very selfish and the scribbles of their stories imprint entitlement. They contain themselves to very small groups and watch for opportunities to take. They are the ones who do not know how they hurt others…and, even worse, if they do, they don’t care.
After 50 plus years of existence on this planet, I can say that at one point, I did gobble societal norms and expectation. Unless you were raised in a cave, we have all been spoon fed since birth. When I came out (as I come out of it) of that, I realize I was not the women I desired to be. No matter how hard I subscribed to what people and media told me was “the way” something inside of me kept nudging me to question who I really am and somehow get out of the monsters grip. I was a tom-boy at heart. I can’t find another decryption of “tom-boy”…. maybe tom-cat. I wanted to go off, explore and remove the program of pretension that inoculated our society. I am soft and rough. I am strong and weak. I have hurt and can be hurt.
As you read this blog, I realize to some it is like a compost pile of vague monologue. I do speak in between the lines and into the aggregates of the biology. Sometimes I speak off the cuff and it maybe difficult to assimilated. Of course, there is back-story that would take years to share. But, I suspect there will be those who will relate because they have a similar experience that is tuned into what I share. It is that “zoning in” that gives me encouragement. The truth is this is my blog. If you don’t understand, I suggest you return to facebook where people fluff their image to portray perfection and pretension. I am not giving you pictures of the perfect body, dinner, gathering, person. If that is what you want to see and wish upon, this blog isn’t for you. I also know that those who know me in flesh and blood also will raise eyebrows sometimes. A long time ago, there was another guy who was rejected by his hometown for being a messenger. There is some esoteric truth in this…and perhaps is part of the heroes journey. It does take courage.
Not too long ago, as a result of my mistakes and relying on what I was told was right, I fell victim to the same crushing blows that influenced current situation and journey into self-exploration. I landed in Ecuador a wee broken and with only two suitcases from a life of accumulating material. I ran to the forest, literally. I choose to live poor, in a tent and in a space that most thought was useless and ridiculous. Crazy! This catapult was a result of hurt. I was hurt. I ran as fast as I could and left behind a mess. There were some who waited for me to return. There were some who were deeply hurt I left. There were some who followed. I chose this path intentionally not because I wasn’t capable of caring for myself.
The choice to live outside was a choice so I could rebuild. I reduced myself to the most basic state. I had a psychopath at my side that reduced me to a state of chaos where nothing was fact or logical and where I struggled with accepting who I was meant to be and become. The ripping away from this man was horrible. I was unplugging or swallowing the metaphorical pill and it was hard to digest. Regardless of what I call that experience, it happened, I survived and I did it. And, in someways the hardship was the fuel to create portal doors so that others could easily step through without doing the work or having to go through the struggles.
I don’t like to admit but, for me, it is in the struggles where I bounce back. And, yes there is still the struggle between who I am, who I was and who I could be. Today, I know that this was not a journey where I can pick and choose my battles. I have always avoided the battles and shied away finding the cave corners to hide. But, we can not do this. Life will shine the lights on struggles no matter where you are hiding.
In reality, you have to take it all of life or none of it. But, the magic (light) is in the spring back. That is hard to hold on too when you are in the midst of it. I do commit to take every scar and bruise so that something magnificent can develop. Here comes the “light” in the crack, for lack of a better and less cliche saying. Even in Jim’s passing, there is a light and it is increases in intensity. It might be that due to (because of) the hardships the light shines. If it shines without the struggle, that may just be the light bearer conniving you.
I do spend what seems every free moment reading, studying, and molding myself. The aim is to accept me and take that which is good inside of me and offer it “out there”. I do realize how many lies are around us. I do realize that the lies are everywhere. That sets up me questioning. I will not just “go along” anymore. This has both stripped me of everything I knew and giving me a fury to continue the search.
The purpose of this blog is to serve by publishing what I go through, to record my experiences, to give the curious visitors the material that I used. If nothing else, if this results in one thousand new enemies but creates one new person ready to change, I will consider this as success. I hold on to that precious one as hope!
I have made the mistakes that I cannot undo, but hope to use them to develop a better strategy for the future and perhaps you will then know, having read my thoughts, how you can avoid those same mistakes. This blog is like the portal door that was difficult for me to build and create…and I will stand at its’ open-ness and invite you to walk through. After moderate success as a “teacher” as I grow older (in the non-paradigm fashion) I create these portals. I have decided that the general issues we all face are similar. I believe we all have a inner thirst to know good. I hope what I write here will help you in your journey.
Everything you will read here will be my words, words that I will tirelessly support and endorse against any critic…and sometimes that means going quiet. This is a look into the mind of Leisha – the Leisha who rises (or just starts to stand up). I lost my Father, my past, my hero. Then I lost my daughter to head-game manipulations rising from unnecessary stories of blame and judgement. I will also say I lost her to hate. Jim was shocked at the hate. Through her, I have lost Kaya. I do realize her return will be powerful one day. Then, I lost Jim to the monster of cancer that had fogged his life in the last two years. In the past year (actually 6 months), I have slept with grief and I have seen a lot of blame, judgement and hate. I cry deeply for this witness. I also realize that the rising from this mud has a purpose beyond my name. The light!
It is not an easy task to put yourself into words and hit the publish button. We are in a time where many are going in the opposite direction containing and protecting their world. If we all stopped sharing, we will lose ourselves and lose a basic knowledge of being a human. There is the danger that you are reading this as there is a compelling need to follow the “reality TV” and soap opera of other people’s drama. You might desire to have ammunition to niggle about me in the bully’s corner as that gives you a sense of power. But, as I said above, you might relate. It might help you. It might offer you something on your journey. And, maybe this blog keeps a dream alive, a vision and it projects it further than the little contained space I occupy. If it inspires “one” I have won.