So much going on and so much I want to share…it is on the tip of my tongue and heart. But, thing is, how do you share today and make a difference..create a spasm in the norm?
Acceptance has set in but it doesn’t answer so many questions. I actually can’t express the questions as each question lifts an answer that so subjective it denies objectivity. It is strange. Especially for those who have busy, questioning minds.
They dynamic of Jim and I was strong and dynamic. He needed to be needed. I wanted to be independent. He was independent. He needed me. Due to this reverberation between the two of us, I often announced “I don’t need you, but I desire you”. It would trigger Jim. He knew what I shared was true and he knew it was because I was his equal. The lesson for me, now here without him, is, I still want him.
Have faith, they say!
Faith! A strange concept really. I play and imagine and pray. I am okay. I am okay..and I am more than okay. And, the hardship of Jim not being here contributes to me being “okay”. I found gratitude! It is saturating every moment of my day. I am being me with the tools required to be me to the fullest. But, like Jim, I am different.
A few of his old teenage and long lost friends have contacted me. It is a strange state of affairs to chat and share with them about their experience of him. He was a gem, for sure!
So, I keep on keeping on. I do my best. I get frustrated at the things that come a part that he could take care of. I do my best to fix it. I focus on the possibilities and potentials left. The still is steaming 24 hours a day. I harvest, re-plant and create. I try to share things with friends and family. I study and learn more. I feel alone but not lonely. I question the connections of the past. I long for connection and know I am connecting more than most.
It is a trip!
The business and busyness if quite fertile. I can explode in so many directions. What is important? What is important? What is important?
I am okay. I could settle into this life and be comfortable. I could expand and be challenged.
So, I ask the higher power to guide me..and I ask Jim to help me.
I am not waiting for the hardships to leave to be happy.
And, the frogs sing, the land swells, the compost piles heat, the water rotates, the still circulates, the plants lift, the soil levitates and I end my day, exhausted and okay.