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Gratitude Arising from Being Alone

It has been a good week or two simply because I have been in my own world without distraction.   I know what I get done is far more than most can imagine.  The secret to my doing is I know how to multi-task and how to let the plans be done as the other things get done at the same time.    This is a virgo nature!

And, I am in acceptance, I think!   Gosh, I have to be, right?  I mean you have to carry on..and you have to find meaning.  Well, you don’t, but for me, I need too.   I have a shame revolving with the story that “I must” be moving on.    It is like I don’t want too move on.  I want to remember and hold on.   And, I know that is insane!

I am grateful and see good things around me.  I work with my hands that are not very pretty, hourly and by the minute.   I question things.  I wonder.  I feel okay and then I don’t.    What is showing up for me now is it is still difficult and still hard but I feel I should be “over it”.  I am not.   Then, I am!

There are amazing things happening around me and I am creating amazing things.  I want to be invisible and stay under cover.  I also have a need to share. I think what i miss the most is the sharing…the witnessing the sky, the plant, the smells, the dragonflies, the butterflies, the sounds, the water, the growth, the tastes, the scents, the amusements.    I long to share this, again.    

Disbelief is like cognitive dissonance.  It plays tricks on our mind.  I know Jim is gone but I still can’t believe it.   Today I heard the water trickling under the bathroom sink.    I knew it was the drainage from the Stills..the cooling water.  But, I had to look under.   I was taken by the plumbing pipes!   I was stunned by the ins and outs the left angles and rights and the Ts and Ys.   All I could do was say “thanks Jim”.  He pre-thought things.  He saw the future.  He worked it out.     In this regard, we were the same.

I still want.  I still want to hug Jim…to see him.   As I was gardening today, I looked up to the porch area and expected to see him..on the couch.  It was such a difficult time seeing him on the couch and not being able to “do”.     

I loved Jim.   We weren’t perfect and we brought out the worst in each other, but I loved him.   I struggled with embracing his love of me.  It is now, after he has gone, that I realize he did love me, alot.    Before he passed we had some moments.  One stands out for me!   I was feeding animals, watering gardens, cooking and cleaning.  This is my usual nightly routine.  He just blurted out “you are amazing”.   I shrugged it off and continued with my “things”.    When I stopped to sit with him, he said again “Leisha, you are amazing”.    I akwarded said “okay”.   But, I hear those words from him now.    Why?   Because of my Dad!   I have always stood on my own two feet.  I have always taken care of myself.   And, I have always looked to be recognized by very select people…my dad being one and Jim being the other.    Those two men left me within six months of each other.    I was always comparing and contrasting Jim to my father.    And, in many ways he was like my father.   

Please understand that because of my dad and because of Jim, I am as I am meant to be.   It is bitter sweet!   It is a gift and a challenge.

When I first met Jim I was pretty much smitten.   Everything I did he was in my mind.  I actually didn’t like the obsession.  I was living a dream in the Magical Forest and I was pretty much certain he would not be interested in this dream with me.  So, there was lotsa revamping and reviving for me to establish how this was going to work.     What attracted me and what enticed me to leave this dream was that “Jim saw me”.     He basically said “join me”.   I did.

And we continued and created and found the land the do it together.   Now, I don’t want to leave this land at all.  If I have too, I find I am anxious.   I am definitely a wyrd one.   If it was possible to never leave, I would never leave.   It is difficult to be alone and the most precious thing ever.    My gratitude to Jim and my Dad overflows.


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