ooofff! Something has just changed…flipped, rotated and surrendered.
I remember your words…that came near the end..when you said “thank you” from your heart! I remember even and although we had moments that were difficult and hard to bear and understand. I remember shrugging you off…not knowing how to respond. I remember being scared, tough, confused and in love.
I know I reminded you. I also know I was different. I know you had two loves and that left you in wonder. I know you loved me! I love you.
We flipped didn’t we? I took on you and you took on me in a strange way. In the end, who won…or was it a race or a game for winners? I don’t know. We were competitive and it was good for our natures. But, I sit here wondering…who the fuck won?
Everything seems like a game right now. We are being pushed and prodded to play. Because you left I feel I have to re-enter and it is going smoothly or more so than imagined. The off-grid gal is on again not so against my will but to encapsulate my will. Re-entering to keep the game going. It is something I have to do and do for you…as strange as that is. Or, perhaps you are watching and saying “screw it”…don’t do it…and just do what you do because you can”?
Fuck, I miss you!
So, after 2 months, I moved your place on this plane (ashes)…and cleaned with the essence of palo santos. Not only the smoke…but the hydrosol in an error (thinking it was distilled water) We had a half tub full that I thought was distilled water. It became the essence of the bloody mary’s last night that tasted slightly off. They say palo santos, like frankincense, cleans you out. Sorta funny! Sorta strange! Tonight it became the cleaner …and cleaned I did.
Shit, wish you were here! I do not get it. Not sure I ever will. But, here I am..continuing and doing the best I can. I only hope and pray it is good.