I just wrote to a friend today…
“busy day…did a lot of studies too…and enjoyed some alone time. Made a BIG sunday breakfast and cried…first time without Jim…but I enjoyed it and I think I am starting to get used too he is “not here”. I sat up last night and burned frankincense and palo santos and smoked from Jimi’s pipe…and talked to myself for hours. Laughed and cried…and laughed and cried. It is now time for me to start…get over this…keep his Spirit alive and realize I am alone and he is not coming back. I fucking hate it…and it is something I have to do.
We are on the cusp now…all of us. We have to do something about the state of affairs. If we don’t, we are complacent and compliant. Most of my friends have known this time is coming…and most, unfortunately, don’t know how to act or what to do now. I do feel this study is where I am supposed to go…and keep learning…and sharing…and doing something important.
Anyways, I will look at the scopes above tomorrow morning. Been a transition for me the past 24 hours..acceptance is settling in and I need to be strong and courageous for the next steps. I miss Jim so much…and he is not here. Reality!
Reality! Settling in! I am becoming at geek in the microscopic world and, really, it is entertaining a deeper vision of the “what is above, so is below”. A connection to something totally surprisingly real.
The “acceptance”, I suppose, comes in waves and is different for everyone. I haven’t experienced the death of a loved one other than my Father last September. But, he fought ALS for a couple of years and I didn’t really get to consider he was “gone” as there was too much to distract me in my own little world. G, my daughter, violently left the land and took Kaya. Dad passed…and Jim went down. So, ya, it was a shit show! It is now a part of my journey..and a journey that is leading to somewhere (that I don’t know) but I still feel it is with purpose.
Where is this going? With the state of affairs in today’s world I am feeling a strong urge to put some things in place and then into action. We all have shadows..the dark side. We have to embrace them. That is a battle and hard work. Then comes a gift. It is grand and potent. However, if you do not apply the gift, you fall back. It needs to be shared and gifted to the exterior. Then, in that application, you receive. In there you are in your fated journey back to where we came from or who we are. I share these words as a template for my journey…a map to continue and realize the suffering is necessary and needed and purposeful.
Most of my friends and dear-ones here in our little town in Southern Ecuador have come to this part of the world because they knew or felt (or anticipated) something BIG was going to alter things for everyone. We have been labelled misfits, tin foil hats and crazy-ones. We are generally open, real and questioning people. We desire for something better and we concern ourselves that things are not as they tell us (or seem). Some come here to LATCH ON. But, they are predators and they are known.
So, ya, we are in it! We are in the thickets of the swamp. I keep saying to myself this is not a time to be complacent or compliant. We can not assume, any more, that things are going in the direction for the greater good of all. We have to reorganize and take care of ourselves. We need to be smart. We need to pull resources and knowledge into a safe container. We have the ability.
Jim and I knew this..both of us…but from different perspectives. Jim often got pissed at the world. He had an edge. For me, I plodded along not really knowing what was going on but staying focussed on what I was learning. I analyze everything but I stay in the garden too as a meditation to help me not get too serious. But, I do feel the time has come where we can not sit back and let the world go by. It is time to take care of one another. It is time to humbly offer your talents and to get into action.
I will be detailing more about what that means for me here in the Purple Carrot Club sharings. I’ve gained some perspective lately with the medicine of the suffering. I have gained some courage too. I will continue to stay underground as much as I can to deliver the best I can. I will play the game of the “world” knowing that “caesar is caesar” but I do see a different path.
Jim, sweet-heart….I am grateful for you. I miss you alot. There is lot happening that you would be proud of, but it is happening because you are not here too. I know, in my heart, you saw me! Not too many do! They rant and rave and cause hurt and pain but ultimately, they hurt themselves. I will take this shadow of experience…use the gift of this experience and fulfil it’s purpose…accomplish something greater than me (or us)
Love me…love more!