I am home now…the ocean helped wash a little of Leisha’s soppy sorrow. It also felt good to complete and honor the promise made to Dad after he passed! Yes, I floated and dived into the sea of my world while being present to the feral in my human-ness.
The journey home yesterday was long one; from beginning to end it was 17 hours. I often felt like I was tripping through old memories seeing the places we once stopped and hearing the conversation’s shared. It wasn’t that long ago we took a journey to the coast. It is totally and freshly imprinted. The “into you and me” (intimacy) is hard, man! It just had to figure that the hostel presented me the same room we stayed in a year ago! It was difficult, to say the least but I did it floating in time warp bubbles. But it gave me a chance to review you, your illness and suffering with a different lens or a lens of new understanding and recognition. You were ill when we last went to the coast. It makes more sense to me now.
Grief is strange! One moment I’m okay and then a little, tapping trigger sets off a warp-zone of ugh-ness and difficulty. I am trying to be conscious of what stage I am experiencing but they mingle and mix so fast. The sensations like “disbelief of why” or “fuck man, we should have…”. I think the anger and disbelief stages contain regret and remorse. They are not neatly expressed in a format and I am definitely not ignoring or burying them. The writing is helping! What catches me the most is how fast things happened. But, I can see now, it wasn’t really that fast As I review with my virgo microscope the last couple of years, moments are making more sense. Jimi, you were suffering and hiding it from me and others for a long time. I know I was the whipper-snapper poking you and pleading with you. I know I annoyed you. I knew something was off, wrong and not right. If I have learned anything here it is to tell others “DO NOT IGNORE” those gut feelings, inner instincts and feelings of disharmony. Allow a loved one to speak and share about what they are witnessing. Do tell them they are being negative and don’t see them as the problem. The strength of a healing human is acknowledgement of the inner sufferings (physical, emotional or spiritual) and allowing others to help.
I do sit in this moments of this morning with growing peace and gratitude. Our land is beautiful, Jimi! The rains have ensured a continued bursting of living life. Our family of plants and nature is actually bursting at the seams. I see you lying here on the coach as you did for the last 3 months , pleased. The work I did here on the land, I acknowledge was mostly for you. I desired to see you pleased. I desired you to acknowledge that I was contributing to our dream in a way that “blew your mind”. Maybe that is my ego talking? Maybe that is just a woman desiring to please her man? I am so very grateful for the chat we had a few days before we did the last trip to the hospital. You shared with me you were amazed and I smiled knowing I had done well. I knew you saw me. That conversation is very comforting to me now. Today, I do it for me…and for the legacy this land will leave after me.
I arrived home very late last night and literally plunked to bed. But, when I arose this morning, I saw the house was spotless and the gardens manicured and maintained. Ricard and his family (Ecuadorians who are now part of our family) really held a strong and caring space in my absence. We are blessed to know this family. I know Ricard deeply felt the loss of you. He admired and respected you a lot. I know he cares for me. I don’t think you would have approved of inviting them into our home and space in the manner I did (my home is your home). I have always been very open in this regard. Even my ex-husband had to make “rules” with me in this regard especially when we ran the retreat center/hostel and shelter. I think this came from my upbringing…being so open and trusting with my “things” and “space”. But, I honored you and understood you were the protective and secure part of our union. Your home was you castle. Your things were your things.
Now, to deal with the “things”. Not a task that will be easy. Do I try to learn some of the machines and mechanics you owned? Would you approve? I don’t think so…and I say that with a cheeky smile. Your things are a reminder to me… the things you own and the things you do for yourself leave when you are gone. It is the things you do and share for and with others will remain. Legacy, that thing that continues afterwards! I am sitting here now looking at all the things you did for me, your legacy and our legacy. I will cherish it, honor it, adore it, help it, protect it, grow it and love it.
Although I don’t know for sure, I suspect you are in a life review right now Jimi. You are probably with our soul family and seeing life as it is, in truth. I still have this “mind” and “ego” bashing and encouraging me. I don’t want my suffering to be your suffering. Don’t let me hold you back! It was only 6 weeks ago that you were entering into the surgery and I sent out a prayer “Fly, Jimi, Fly”. It is very hard prayer for me to say today…but I am whispering it into the sacredness of life and death. Fly, Jimi, Fly! Don’t let me hold you back. Do you see your dad, brothers, Ruchel, Mitch? FLY!