It’s okay to change your mind. In fact, it probably is a healthy thing to do in today’s climate of viral pathogens. It is okay to set things in motion and do what you can…and then alter the course for betterment. It is okay to come to deeper and more wise understandings that were different to yesterday. It is okay to see things differently and be open to new ways or ideas or views. It is okay to take a different look. It is okay to follow those morsels of query that say to you “something isn’t right here – let’s take another look!”
Today, I realize, I don’t need to share the same perspective with the version of me from 1 year ago, 1 month ago, or even 1 minute ago. This query has me rolling around and around and around. The practice of this “change of mind” has come from the experience of losing Jim. It has rose from G and Alex leaving in the manner they did. It was come from watching the world blindly agree we are in a war with a virus. It has come from the study of the soil food web. And, it is all connected and all giving me little parts of the one whole.
Two months after Jim’s passing now and one moment I am okay and the next I drop down into a dismay. It is a strange experience. On one hand I am still struggling that Jim is not here….and on the other, I realize his gift and legacy left me with such a profound gift, I am full of gratitude and determination. I remember; one year ago due to circumstances I was a very disempowered person. I still focussed on what I do and what I love, but there was a dark cloud. I was timid. I was frail. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I felt hurt and, yep, like a victim. And, that was okay! It was necessary. It was adjusting the pathogenic attacks and beginning a process of opening my mind, heart and Spirit. I began the learning of the Soil Food Web and was starting to understand that “the way” I garden (although organic) was misinformed and green guided without a depth of knowing. I wasn’t doing things right or in accordance with a natural way. As Jim became more ill, we entered the medical system for help. This system was the cause of his passing. It was confusing as we were both in an experience of “changing minds”.
Time is giving me space to explore new perspectives and alter my positions and views on the “wtf” happened. I am working very hard to keep Jim and I’s (sounds like Gemini) dream alive and do what is best under the new circumstances. I worry, terribly for the world at large and my family and friends. I am applying the new understanding, hyphal (fungus) growth and entering a new way of life with growing intention. I am sharing exudates. I will explain these terms more in the articles to come…and although they are soil food web science, it is also science that applies to the human being. I am changing. Although I felt a deep loss and a cold separation of minds, hearts and views, we are actually together weaving our experience and there is something behind this web helping us and guiding us to create a better space.
What is coming into focus is how I allowed a shitty situation to be…and did nothing in the moments. Yet, I did all I could. One part of me believed one side or view and another part of me believed the other. I feel the contradications. As Walt Whitman said “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
I am a do-er…get things done. I feel compelled and more so under the circumstances we are all living and faced with. Ralph Waldo Emerson said “With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said to-day.”
It gives me great comfort to realize all the the great thinkers were all totally misunderstood. Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther (don’t agree with this one except for the many who feel they are being with and in the “light” are actually luciferians). There was also Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton! There was Pasteur and Gerson and Budwig. Maybe to be great means to be misunderstood. Maybe being misunderstood means you are on to something. Maybe being misunderstood means you have the ability to change your mind. I have been told over and over, I don’t understand you and I often am puzzled because I do try hard to get my point across and then, tomorrow, I can feel it differently.
My point today is we are not trapped in any one viewpoint. We don’t have to think what everyone expects you to think. We can think. We can alter our view point. We can stand back and take another look. We can open to other possibilities and we can admit and acknowledge that maybe we got it wrong and change the course of living.
I must say and share that I am still in the mind set that I deeping miss my grand-daughter. I have made so many attempts to connect and fall into despair with the declined requests. I now accept that it will be years or perhaps a decade until we are reunited. A friend shared with me that she never knew her grandmother and at the age of 14 went looking for her. When they met, they became best friends. With this view, my mind has changed from despair to hope. When Carlos, the Shaman visited this land, he heard Kaya singing. I remember her singing in the gardens. It causes a smile.
I really don’t want to be in a position that states “I told you so” when and if one changes their mind…and thank goodness I didn’t express my thoughts and feelings in this regard in certain situations I’ve been in over the last few years. Actually, when I did, all I got is deep shit and darkness coming back at me. Holding space is an art. But, I think it is necessary to hold space with wisdom. I realize now I watched hate and anger and had no ability to eliminate it because it was not mine. I didn’t own it I just witnessed it.
The contradictions I find myself in, today are almost comical. I gardened organic and realize today, I was harming the soils with the concepts of green revolution. I was part of a wonderful creation that was being destroyed because of the shadows. If I pointed at the shadow, I was told I was a playing the victim and realize I am seeing those accusers now playing the same. We are all human. Side note: nothing more irritates me more than accusers who are acting out what they pointed out. Nothing more irritates me more than those who play the “poor me” card selfishly without acknowledging they actually caused the victim role to emerge in another due to their accusations.
It is okay to change! If you don’t realize who you are…and what is important…well, keep on playing the survival game a relying on the experts to tell you how to live. I am done with old stories! Done and over! It is time to think outside the narrative and comfort zone box. If nothing is changing in your world, then I suggest you take a good look at that! It might be a hint you are stuck and need a change of mind.
I can’t share that I think it is is all love and light. Gosh, it isn’t. It ain’t! Life doesn’t happen like that. Being a good person doesn’t mean you follow the law! I used to think my life was a tragedy but maybe it is s a comedy!? I have accepted more shit lately than I like to admit or acknowledge. Things are in place now…clicked, locked and loaded. Purple Carrot Club is about to explode as are the seeds I planted with a lot of shit. It is composting and creating life.
I’ve changed my mind and position and understanding now on a lot of stances and views.