To my friends and family (and Jimi)
The ceremony for Jimi will be delayed one week. This is harder than I imagined. Promise Saturday Feb 20th at our land to celebrate him and say goodbye, hello and carry this forth.
I am still at mama sea walking slowly, talking to Jimi, and fumbling a lot. Often you hear the words you will “move on”. Sorry, that is not true or the way to be….you can not move on in reality. However, I will move through the witness of Jimi’s passing and he will with me…as I carry forth.
To be honest, the trauma of witnessing his passing has been difficult. I’ve heard trucks backing up and beeping and I go into a shock … sounds like the hospital machines and I go into clamp down. This I am working on. I am human. I am deeply sad but sadness is my ally and the fodder that I have learnt to compost into beauty. Mama Sea is with me! The gardens at home are waiting for me…and I will rise up with Jimi in my heart.
I asked Jimi just before he passed “how I will know you are with me if I survive you?”. He looked at me blankly and with some disillusion at that thought he might go. He didn’t answer me right away…so I asked again. In haste he responded “oh
Leisha, a humming bird! Does that help you?” I laughed knowing it wasn’t an answer from him but what he thought I might like to hear … silly woman I am. I lay down that conversation with a humble love.
I am writing, a lot. It is my way! It is a gift that has been churning for many years and in the last few years it has been thwarted by family members who didn’t like I was so open in sharing. Now I rise…. it is time. It isn’t always proper. I might be messy and not perfect. But, I write. I write about the Purple Carrot Club and the seeds it is sprouting. In a way, this is Jimi’s legacy really He always wanted me to be safe, happy and strong. I carry it tenderly and with messy, magic force…. knowing I am safe, strong and happy-to-be.
As I was writing this morning to little Miss Kaya whom I have not been able to hug. I did see her from afar but her mama pulled her away and she never knew I was there. As I was writing a baby hummingbird fluttered and fumbled into my porch space. It was obviously just learning to fly and was doing a fanatic flapping like a helicopter gone sideways. It almost hit me. I ducked. It dove sideways in the other direction eventually plopping to the ground under a prickly pear cactus. I knew these plants to be the protectors of sacred spaces. I approached baby hummer and we just checked each other out ….locking eyes and beings. It was a long moment. It saw my tears I saw its’ heart beating in the feathers! He stayed for me to grasp the photo.
Thank you Jimi, you came through. I needed that! Perfect timing. I imagine you to be like that baby hummingbird…wanting to go, wanting to stay, trying on your new wings and desiring me to know you are here.