Anyone who has watched a loved one eaten by cancer will understand this! It fucking sucks and represents a dark, foul evil amongst us! At the time of writing this post, I am two days away from the witness. It has rocked my core! I am angry.
I am raw right now. I write this days after Jimi’s passing. His death was traumatic. I am not going to stay silent or pretend this beast did not traumatized us. I hold realization that any illness that causes suffering unto death sucks…it comes in many cloaks and daggers! Cancer is THE beast…an evil, wretched beast.
Warning: this maybe too much for some to read and hear…and if so, stop now..move on.
This sharing is graphic and I am not going to mince words or make any apologies about standing up strong to share the truth as it was. It is not pretty. It needs to be told and shared especially as it is an evil present to us here on this plance. It was NOT love and light…it was NOT. You can’t pretend this evil doesn’t exist and how it is a part of a larger system that it co-creates with “it”. I am calling it out and standing firmly against it.
The man I loved was devastated by cancer. It was a rare mixture of cancer which I will talk about in other sharings. It was aggressive and mean and was called “the forgotten cancer” as it was so rare.
Jimi was a ferocious fighter and one of the strongest people I have ever met. His Taurus nature and his experience in this life time as Jimi created a very solid, strong and will-natured being. He was stubborn and stood as solid as a Bull. He hated cancer having experienced it with his late wife, Ruchel, his father and his brother. Within himself, he fought this beast right up to the last second. He told me hours before he departed he didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to sleep fearing he might not wake. He couldn’t sleep! The pain of the beast made sure of that. It wasn’t pretty or easy to witness. It shocked the core within both of us.
His eyes, they are dark, hollow, screaming help me. He mouth pursed in pain. His cheeks sunken! His body was ravaged and he couldn’t move..but he tried is vain..over and over. Everything was being chewed.
Yes, I know he is free now and in another dimension of purity. Therein lies the relief. And, perhaps today, I am holding this memory for him..taking it from him so he can be lighter. There is no more suffering for him within this “game” we are in and if I have to hold this gross memory for him, I will.
The last 24 hours of his life were densely and devastatingly dark. What I was looking at was not Jim at all…it was the death cockroach sucking cancer and its’ face is pure vindictive evil. He couldn’t even cry and, they were not his eyes. I can’t get those eyes out of my mind. I can’t get the face out of my mind.
I sat with him for hours watching “it” chew him slowly and snidely. It was devastating. I am sorry this is such stark details. What I saw near the end was NOT JIMI. IT WAS FUCKING Cruel CANCER! And, we can’t make up a fuzzy wuzzy story about it. It sucked! It was traumatic. It was not light and love.
I know this experience is an initiation and that is why I feel I need to be real about this and speak about it. Sorry if I am offending anyone.
What I do know is that the beautiful Spirit of Jimi won once he left this plane..that is consoling. And, as I shared, maybe I hold this for him now so he can go…be lighter. It will morph…..and we/I are left here knowing this beast exists.
Jimi knows me and that I will take this and get very real…very truthful about it. Not in vain! He knows it will fuel me into something powerful and good…and I await for the seed to sprout…and roar out of me!
Jimi, be with me…and let’s continue our dream in another form!
We all are facing uncertainties in our life. You can never know what happens in the next moment. And sometimes things are traumatic.
To live is to have the courage to face and embrace these uncertainties, traumas and darknesses head on. In some ways life is about being defeated and then still finding a sense of purpose of possibility. It doesn’t mean you accept the evil …you stand firm against it and stick your middle finger up right in its’ face.
I realize that Jimi’s passing…the thing that took him in the end, was horrible and traumatic. What I witnessed was not Jimi. It wasn’t love. It was pure, black evil and yes, it was traumatic. So, I stand…solid as I can.
Jimi and I had a dream!
It stands solid!
That is where love asks me to step back…see this truth and reality….and take this difficult task that is entrusted and morph it.
Jimi did not want to go…or be taken by this beast.