I realize we all in the thickets right now. And, for those who think that is no purpose, go sit in the corner and sulk because if all this is not for something better, then we are all fucked. I am not going to lay this down! I am done with games and jargon of stupidity. It is time to wait patiently for the angels to appear! I am tired of feeling thwarted and held down. I am tired of the hurt and pain. And, it is time!
I do have a faith. It isn’t as cut and dry as most. I have been through, in, out, up and down with my walk in faith. I think the last half decade or so, I sorta gave up on trying to figure it out. That doesn’t mean I lost faith. I means I had to learn some things. Well, life said “it is time for you to have this experience” and it has literally sent me into a tail, head spin that has been the hardest medicine I have ever experienced. Drink it down! It is medicine!
There are moments that happen that cause you to breath into the possibility we are not just her floating on a ball, irrelevant and miniscule and worthless. There are so many lies and so much deceit it is process just to follow your heart. But, it is a process with intention. And, when you start to discover things, for sure, you are ostracized and set apart. You are the wyrd one, the misfit the one to attack and rendered down. Again, it is medicine!
Most of my life, I was a seeker. Born and raised in a strong Christian family, I was blessed with the opportunity to debate and question faith. It was forced upon me but rather than run and throw it away as most do, I was the questioner. I queried everything. I appreciate faith and what it can do for us humans. I have seen it be a life line, a road map and an answer. I have seen it be an solution to a dark situation. I have seen it be an answer to being a better person. I have also seen it manipulate coerce and control. I see how it causes division and hatred. I have seen it sway some into dark places. Sometimes when “one” thinks they “know”, it creates a space where everyone who is not the “same” has automatically “lost their way” and needs to be saved. Sure, most religions teach to love the enemies, but there is also the judgement that comes with our egos and I have always been aware of this danger. But, set aside religion for a second…who are you, me or any of us to judge?
I am faithful but I never had the desire to convert another. All I encouraged was to “ask”. Without the question “who am I?” and “what is going on?”, I don’t think you will get answers without a true questioning. You can’t convert another. Many convert because they want to belong, fit in and be in a clan. They will follow protocols. They will stumble and fall over their own inner desires to be loved and feel loved. The ywil find gurus and teachers to adore. They will cling. They will become that other who they adore. Thing is we are unique. Creator and creation speaks to all of us. We don’t have to be the same…and we don’t have to be divided and apart. There are clues to who is becoming it. Are you trying to be a good person?
I would say the last 6-7 years of my walk have been rather dull. Dull maybe is the correct way to describe it. I have discovered that the empty cup experience can be the most fertile space. It wasn’t that I lost my faith…it just became something different. I stopped asking the same questions. It was a time of rest. And, it was a time to understand the forces of this world that didn’t want us to know the truth. Maybe it was a time of rebellion because I have learnt more about “wtf” is going on in our worldly affairs and it has taken the foundation and flipped it upside down.
Six years ago I was actually “ordained” by the indigenous 13 Grandmothers after involving myself in the study of indigenous philosophy and ceremony. It was very Jungian-like. I loved it! I was fascinated with this study and learning. I truly believe it was meant to be. There were some “sections” of the course that caused me to be discriminate. I won’t go into details other than to say that truth has been manipulated to such a degree that we should question everything. I found myself realizing that everything I thought I knew was wrong. However, isn’t that the process of a true faith…meaning you get there is a lot of bullshit manipulating us so eventually you creep into the center of a loving force and just say “I don’t know anything anymore!”
Since I met Jimi, his walk in life was to become a free being…claim his sovereignty. That, in itself is a walk in ministry. Thing is, Jim was angry his sovereignty was taken. He was passionate about this but angry. Anger is okay as long as you take it and morph it into something good. I feel we were doing this as team on our land. Similarly, Jim was given the gift of a faithful family in his youth. He also discovered how the organization of this faith, the business side, was very corrupt. He abandoned it.
That was where we differed. But, I became silent in my prayers. I didn’t want to prothesize or alter another’s purposeful journey. It doesn’t mean I abandoned it. It doesn’t mean Jimi is not saved. There is a process we go through and everything we experience and witness, feel and discover is a part of this process. No one ever has the right to alter, judge or discriminate that process.
When I was at the seaside last week, an elder lady kept popping up. I saw her a few times and thought I recognized her. She walked past my cabin and called out to her “do I know you?” She sat! We chatted for some time. The first thing she said to me was “I used to live here in Ecuador, but lost my husband 3 years ago. I responded “I lost my guy 2 weeks ago”. The look in her eye was priceless…I am sitting her next to you, right now and present!
Her name was Bev. She was a talker. But I found myself listening intently to her story. I won’t share that story as it is hers to share and I adore she went so deep. I will say she impacted me. She had been married 55 years. When her husband passed over, it was a shock. She was a Christian wife and had dedicated herself to loving her husband in a manner she felt was faithful. She shared that recently she discovered herself. She realized she had always been attached to her husband and never an individual. She was discovering “her” for the first time. She was creating stories where she was the main attraction. She had a gumption. Never once did she say her life with her husband was wrong. But, she was definitely experiencing an empowerment as a woman, human and child of the creator.
I share this because I feel she was an angel. I am the same age as her children yet, I felt an equal with her. She did pray over me before she left. That has happened now multiple times in the last couple of months. I am private in my faith and while I appreciate the Charismatics (do not judge), I also realize that a Creator is looking after me and so sometimes, you let things be.
I already shared about the “angel” in the hospital. They come in many shapes and sizes. They appear out of nowhere. You don’t know when they will show up but it is good to be aware. It is good to be asking for help. It is good to be seeking and watching for the “hints”. I honestly do not know how anyone can get through trauma and pain without some desire to be asking the important questions.
I am not here to tell you where to go or how to be. I am not to say you have to have a particular view. All I am saying is “ask”. Ask the questions and then watch what happens. One thing for sure, we are all very, very unique. We are all in the same situation. We all have to be cautious of the lies and bull shit. We all should be discriminate and careful There are so many lies. But, ask the questions! Answers are given.
At this time and moment, I am certain that the “dry spells” of the last couple of years haven’t been empty. I was surrounded by people who had a “way” that is different to where I was heading..what I was doing. I am not into converting or prothesizing and I held true and solid to that in this experience of this time. Yes, this is medicine..it is a hard medicine to drink. It is for a purpose! And, I take it, that medicine, for what it will show me and how it will guide me.
I am not going to stop now….zoom zoom