In a search to help a friend, I came across a gift left by Jimi! I can’t share what that gift was because it is between Jim and I. But, it was a surprise!
Change is in the air! It is good change and a change that is necessary. After Jim left, I have been overwhelmed with “alone”. There isn’t a day that goes by without feeling the tearing of my heart and tearing of my eyes. The things happening around here were good and had such depth of potential but I often thought “this wouldn’t be happening if you were here.” It wouldn’t have been comfortable for you. And, you would have put a stop to some things.
But, I still left my heart and home open to continue with these happenings and changings with a basket full of trust. I reasoned it is “my way”. And, I was wrong.
The result was I’ve felt depleted and confused. I was distracting from the real dream and the vision path we held together. I pulled my resources away from the nature of me and the way of “us” and something was missing. My missing you over-lapped that understanding so it was hidden.
I know I am being ambiguous here…and that is because I need to be. What I am trying to share is things recently “popped” and changed. It was confusing at first. And, I felt alone again. I fought with the alone. I dropped into alone. And, then, I realized… I need to be alone. Strange as that sounds, I get it is important for the next steps.
Accepting being alone It isn’t just for the healing. It is because I can get (more) things done alone. I can express the real me without distraction or interruption. I am not waiting and hoping. And, that is who I was with you..when you were here. You sorta forced this onto me. I didn’t like the alone with you. And, I realize, now, you held out a gift “morsel” for me that has just deepened and aged (like wine) now you are gone! You allowed me to be the real me because you went off and did things alone. It caused the “real me” to be with you. That happened because you, too, were alone and enjoyed that “alone”. We were alone together. I am deeply grateful for the lesson from you…more so now you are gone.
Everyday I miss you…every day it seems too hard. And, being alone, now, I am finding a deeper gratitude.
Then, I found it! Your gift! It was a moment. It comes at a perfect time. I was a surprise and I am not easily surprised. Did you plan this?
So, now being alone… with this gift!
The kitchen is full of alchemy. Both stills are dripping away. The carboys are full and bubbling. Microbiological windrows are cooking. Seeds are sprouting. Plants are growing. Water is flowing. Medicines are brewing. Fingers are writing more stories. Applications for further studies are presented. Papers are being processed. Life on the land is busy and with only me, man, there is a lot being done. Strange as it sounds, when I do this alone, I am team of many. When a team is around me, I lose that force. It is like you! The lone man who just wanted to get things done. Now I understand!
And, I have decided to keep going! I will be honest to share that, at times, I didn’t want to keep going. Thoughts of checking out slipped in…but never took over. Oh dear, did I just share that out loud! I am human and that can be messy sometimes. Our ego gets in the way and our ego causes suffering.
I know support is around me (both physical and nonphysical). Jimi is the force behind creating vision beyond what I dreamed. I received your gift and realize the gift or time is also mine too. The coupling of these two gifts and being here on this amazing land is conjuring so much gratitude.
I wish you were here!
I love you more!
I am embracing “alone”. For the first time in my life, this is making some sense!
Leisha
