I am waiting! Waiting and waiting! In Spanish, the word for waiting is also the word for hoping. Do I hope?
For what? I am not sure? I think the waiting feeling comes from the missing feeling. It arises from the queries of what happened and why can’t things go back? It is so final!
I wait to feel, hear and see you. And, I realize I am alone. But, I still wait. Maybe this is cognitive dissonance in full outfit.
I do get what my role and purpose is now you are gone…but I don’t want to be making some of the decisions presented. There is so much happening and growing and developing. And, to be truthful, there is so much happening because you are gone. It is real that part of me needs to take the pieces of brokenness and calibrate them. I like things in order…and I like to have parts coming together.
Today, I worked, again, at going through boxes in the garage. Holy fxxxing shit, Jim. Did you know what you had, saved and collected? You needed me when you are alive. I would have organized and structurized so that things could have some purpose. It is a bitter-sweet exercise to go through these things. But, I must and I do or else they become dust in boxes. You had a wealth of mind that was well above average. The trinkets and tools…man, they just cause me to love you more. But, I found things and wondered “what is this?”
And, I definitely would not be on this trajectory if you were here. That is a another bitter-sweet, We, as women, make concessions more than we realize. I never touched your space and boxes as it was yours. I do realize, now….and it is both sad and liberating. You said to me many times, you wanted me to be liberated…but you didn’t fully understand how much of a spaz and crazy one I was. Un-leished would be dangerous in your garage and trust was ultimately the game-changer…and, yes, you knew that I could do it..and maybe you couldn’t fully handle that when you were here….but you also knew I’d do it right. I moderated myself because I loved you. And, today I placed things in appropriate and necessary order.
I keep musing on the land. I wouldn’t be here if not for you. You gave and you left this in my hands. I don’t want to waste it, abuse it or use it for selfish purpose. I am thinking about what is best, where to go, what to decide so that we WIN! I am thinking outside the box. What is important? What is necessary for the greater good? Unfortunately, the answers to those question go beyond the little bubbles we live in. It goes beyond the family dynamics and cultures. It goes beyond the acceptable norm. I adore you Jim because you opened your heart to me and my daughter. You never really connected with my daughter but you opened your heart because you loved me. I am sorry for the burden you experienced and I am truly in awe that you opened for me.
It is both a mind game and a heartache.
Last night, our dear friend celebrated her 50th at a dress up 80’s party. I was born late 60’s so the 80’s are supposed to be informative years of teenage-hood, si? Well, I dressed as me…as I did in the 80’s. But, I had a hard time duplicating some of the things of that age. I do not own a hairdryer or a curling iron. I compensated by using your heat gun and burn’t my hair. Holy shit! I now have bangs. I located the eyeliner and mascara (the little left from the past), but they were hardened and only worth a toss in the garbage. I went to the party all jeaned out. I ended up hanging with two friends who dressed 60’s. They were not 80’s at all..but I loved their gear. I peaked in at the party scene but kept myself on the outer circle. I laughed at the line dancing, the music and the attendees. I appreciated them…but can’t say that is me and nor has it ever been. I was born in the “in-between” and none of the sides actually came to fruition. I am not a baby boomer…I will never expect (and never have) to be handed down wealth. I know what family is and I know that isn’t always to the genes you were born into. I get the sacredness of the land and the web of life that is so misunderstood. Ultimately, we are here to steward. We are selfish humans actually. We only think of ourselves. We wrap ourselves in our own bubbles and forget that we are here to serve.
I share this because that is where you and I connected. If you came to this party with me, we’d be sitting outside together. When does that empty seat next to me fade away? I am enlarging due to this suffering.
I am a spaz! Most can’t handle me and those that do are like me. Jim was a spaz! He got down and dirty into the act of creating. His biggest dream was to do this great thing..in his garage. He wanted to invent, help and cause a difference. He desired to have the time, space and energy to activate. It was NEVER about money. I knew this about him..and he knew it about me.
I so wish he was still here..in this plane. He would have enjoyed our now “50” friend’s party and laughed along with me.
Life goes on! I wait..in action. I miss in action! If I can take this experience and make it fertile and prosperous for the greater good, I will. I am!
I love you more!