Just a little sharing…for this moment

A friend of mine has just lost her partner last night. I know this little town I call home has many women with the same experience…young and old. We’ve been left behind. I have connected with one who I call my sister and whom I really am beginning to adore. We are equals from different legacies. We don’t even need to talk about the pain..there is a look of understanding. And, as I can see at this raw state and as I look around to heal myself, there are different ways of dealing with it. I witness, we, as women, grieve in different yet similar ways. Each powerful and each unique. What I do realize is that life is taken from us too soon. It is more a product of our environment of society and evil entrepreneurship riding the dark side so that we suffer. That sucks! My understanding of the cruelty of the world has hit home. Yep, I am bitter. And, yes, I still have life in me to make a difference.

What I do know right now, is that I want to get through this. I want to stop feeling the loss. When in private, I still fall to my inner knees and tears come. I want to hear Jim. I want to communicate. I think I feel him, but not sure. Imagination is powerful and conniving. I don’t want my mind to deceive me nor do I want to admonish or fall into the trap of cult clinging to make it all okay. But, I am starting to feel alone..meaning myself…alone…and that is surprisingly powerful.

Acceptance! Perhaps that occurs as we begin to get used to the discomfort. I have no desire to burden another and often have the experience that if I talk too much or reveal to much, I will. So, you keep a lot to yourself. The emotional pain will not kill me in the silence of myself but it does seem overwhelming at times. And it can seem terrifying. I have had nights when it keeps me awake and churns the irritation. I can feel the rage. I can feel and feel and feel until I just sleep to forget.

But, I refuse to let it be a pattern. We have patterns with our partners and loved ones. And, we learn to live with them. Maybe it is okay to accept a negative patterns within too? It can be likened to taking in a stray dog or cat that has been abused. It takes time to rebuild trust in the world around us. We have views and witnesses that are crucial to our becoming.

That hurt part of our psyche needs this acclimatisation period in which we gradually come to realise the depth of our pain. And, it is okay. The ‘allowing’ makes space for all manner of feelings and extremes, ‘acceptance’ brings us to a deeper and more mature place in which we are authentically facing our own pain or difficulty with love and understanding. There is courage in this act. It strengthens the way forward with a clarity.

I am entering a new stage. There is very potent potential. I see it. I reach for it. I will do it!

I will start, now, to share more about the “doing it”. That is because that is what I feel Jim and I were! We got that right. I’ve said that before and I realize it is only half of the equation. A dear and beloved friend of Jim told me today that he checked out before the shit hit the fan and that is a good thing. I agree! He emotionally couldn’t handle what was happening in our world. It was difficult to bear witness. And, he knew that path we were on was important. He knew that I was his partner in this regard. So, the time has come now! Jim, you know I will do it! You know I will share it in ways you could not or ways I could not with you. Maybe I am seeing purpose! You know I would take what we built and make it so it extends out…from you and me. It will reach out and expand like a ripple in electric motion. I will do it! And, even if I can’t know you in this world anymore, it will be done!

There is a sigh in acceptance…but I think it has to have meaning and purpose. I can imagine without that, it wouldn’t be sustaining. I feel that I will now be sharing more about the amazing potentials happening…and sharing these stories with a purpose that others benefit. 1+1 =3

Peace out!
I love you Jim

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